Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men
ejaculation a conscious choice, rather than an accident or a habit, as mentioned in the previous
chapter. Tantra masters also inform us that ejaculation is always preceded by the thought of
ejaculation, that the origin of ejaculation is actually in the mind. Without the thought of ejaculation
there is rarely an ejaculation (except when a woman gets overexcited and pulls an ejaculation from a
man, as already mentioned).
Avoid the Tension of Ejaculation Control
Absence of ejaculation (nonejaculation) is not the same as ejaculation control. There is a significant
difference between not ejaculating as a result of relaxation and controlling the ejaculation.
Osho says, “In sex, you are relaxing in it, not controlling it. If you are controlling it, there will be
no relaxation. If you are controlling it, sooner or later you will be hurried to finish it because control
is a strain. And every strain creates tension, and tension creates a necessity, a need, to release. It is
not control; you are not resisting something. You are simply not in a hurry because sex is not
happening in order to move somewhere. You are not going somewhere. It is just a play; there is no
goal. Nothing is to be reached, so why hurry?”
This is different from sexual practices that suggest a man “dance on the verge” of ejaculation for a
period of time without actually ever getting to the point of ejaculation. In other words, the man
intentionally builds up the excitement and tension level, and then shortly before he feels he is about to
reach the “point of no return,” he relaxes his efforts, which represses the ejaculation. After a while
the energy level is built up again, and then repressed again, and this process is continued with the
effect that ejaculation is controlled for a prolonged period. (There are also specific techniques to
repress ejaculation; for example, a man pushes finger pressure into his perineum/prostate area.) As
the term controlling ejaculation indicates, by using such repressive techniques, the shift is from
ejaculation to avoiding ejaculation—which means that the goal orientation remains the same.
Physical Pain after Hot Sex
Controlling ejaculation through repression as described above can have a short-term energizing effect
on a man. However, the deliberate building up and pushing down of excitement will deposit tension
in the prostate gland and genitals, which can later cause congestion. Because all repression is
basically a type of tension, the practice of ejaculation control is not particularly healthy in the long
term. When a man deliberately plays with excitement and controls his ejaculation, he should not be
surprised if he experiences pain in the testicles or groin area afterward. The pain is usually a
reflection of the tension produced through the buildup and repression of energy.
If, and when, a man does reach a point where he needs to ejaculate, it’s suggested that he simply
allow it to happen right then and there. Better not to interfere with the direction of the flow. Tell your
woman out loud in words that you are coming, look into her eyes, remain present to the situation, and
enjoy!
If you wish to postpone or avoid ejaculation, it’s advisable to steer clear of too much stimulation
and excitement right from the start of the lovemaking. Instead, become more slow and sensitive
through relaxation and awareness. A cool approach can empower you to make love for hours.
Pain that Follows Relaxed Sex
After relaxed sex, surprisingly enough, there can also be pain in the penis, the testicles, the groin area,
or the lower abdomen. When the sexual atmosphere has been one of relaxation, the pains are
informing us that previously held accumulated tensions are leaving the tissues. These can be called
“healing pains.” If this should happen to you, accept the pain and do not be unduly concerned; the pain
will pass in time. Movements such as gently shaking the body, including the pelvis, for ten minutes or
more will help to disperse the emerging tensions. Often allowing simple tears of vulnerability will
dissolve the pain. It is also recommended that masturbation not be used as a way to relieve the
tension or pain. The body is healing and regenerating itself through the sexual relaxation. As layers of
emotion and physical tensions rise to the surface and dissolve, body sensitivity and capacity for
pleasure return.
Safety Concerns Regarding Nonejaculation
We have heard from a few men that they have been advised by their medical doctors to ejaculate
regularly in order to “flush out the pipes,” like a bit of do-it-yourself plumbing.
Personal experience has proved that it is possible to make love frequently for years on end without
the need for ejaculation. It is not as though a man swells up into a balloon that eventually pops
because of his unreleased semen! There is absolutely no physical danger for a man to go without
ejaculation indefinitely. Sometimes there may be spontaneous emissions during the night, but these
tend to happen more and more rarely as time passes. They occur frequently during puberty and
adolescence, and the reason is thought to be sexual fantasies. These emissions have nothing to do with
not having had an ejaculation for a long time or the body getting rid of old sperm.
Reserve Ejaculation for Conception
A man can, if he so wishes, reserve his ejaculation for procreation alone. There is no hard-and-fast
rule, but a man should know that when he and his partner want to conceive, he can consciously decide
to ejaculate at the time the woman is ovulating. (The time of ovulation can be determined through a
number of different methods, such as changes in body temperature and vaginal mucus.) Conscious
ejaculation will make conception an equally conscious event, rather than the hit-or-miss accident it
often is. When a man ejaculates he can plant his seed along with an intention or vision for a conscious
conception.
Women’s Identification with Male Ejaculation
Men need to be aware that women often identify with their man’s orgasm/ejaculation. In these few
moments a woman feels that the man gives himself to her, and for woman this is somehow affirming.
The irony is that she actually triggers the man into postejaculation syndromes, unwittingly
disempowering him (and thereby herself) as the flow of intimacy and love gets interrupted or
evaporates. Sometimes these breaks in the connection seem so normal that we would not immediately
associate them with sex. We think this is who we are and how we are. However, a man who practices
containment of energy will begin to experience himself as a completely different person in his daily
life. Men report feelings of pleasure that rise to the heart with a lightness and glowing warmth that
radiates throughout the entire body and being.
A man is equally identified with the woman’s orgasm, because it confirms that he is a good lover,
which supports the male ego. (However, many woman fake orgasm, so it is not necessarily reliable
feedback.) The big disadvantage of making a woman come, as mentioned earlier, is that more often
than not the man will ejaculate a few seconds too early due to the heightened level of excitement and
tension, and so disempower himself.
BENEFITS OF COOLING DOWN
Many of the personality difficulties or relationship problems between partners disappear when there
is a shift in the style of sex. An ambience of love surrounds the lovers, and radiant love shines from
their eyes. Men’s faces change completely when they are making love regularly in a relaxed, non-
orgasm-focused way. The transformation is remarkable, certainly more effective than any facelift.
Craggy, angular, mildly discontented grooves and folds transform into a widening and fullness of the
face, as an infusion of chi o r prana, the life force, enters into the facial tissues, energizing and
rejuvenating the skin and leaving it rosy and radiant. The body is grounded as legs penetrate the earth;
the heart is open, the eyes are shining.
Redirecting the Energy
In conventional sex the energy or vitality is normally forced downward and outward. To reach
orgasmic states the energy has to be allowed to rise. It needs to be encouraged inward and upward,
and this happens through relaxation in sex. An inner channel opens, and energy begins rising and
expanding through the core, returning to its source in the brain. The ultimate source of the sexual
energy lies in the brain. Roughly at the level of third eye lie the pineal and pituitary glands, known as
the “master glands” of the endocrine (hormonal) system. Crucial substances and information are
released and these filter downward through the system to eventually prepare us for sex. This cycle
represents the reproductive, biological phase of sex mentioned earlier. When vitality is recirculated
upward through inner channels and returns to its source in the brain it represents the spiritual or
generative phase of sex. The inner design enables a man to reabsorb his vital energies and be
empowered by them. Through relaxation a man can reach a vibrant and peaceful state, followed by
the experience of feeling energized and rejuvenated.
It is an experience beyond and higher than the conventional reproductive expression, which is more
“superficial.” By allowing the life force to turn inward and upward, the man uses his intention to
create the foundation for evolved experiences. He shifts from running mechanically after ejaculation
to being conscious and present each moment, attentive to the subtle sensations unfolding within his
body and being.
The Inner Rod of Magnetism
Perhaps you are wondering how these altered states transpire. What’s going on? Both the male and
female orgasmic experience can be explained most simply by comparing the human body to a magnet.
Like a magnet, the body has two opposite poles—one in the heart and one in the genitals. Usually one
pole is given a plus, or positive value, and the other a minus, or negative value. Whatever symbol or
words you choose to use, the body’s two equal and opposite poles create a difference in potential.
This can give rise to an electromagnetic streaming in the core of the body and an amplification of the
energy field surrounding the body. Tantra calls the experience of streaming in the core the awakening
of the “inner rod of magnetism.” And this is the true source of the human being’s orgasmic experience.
Through this miraculous inner design humans are able to experience ecstasy, alone or together.
Recent studies of chromosomes confirm the “magnetic” design of human beings. Science has
proven that man is part woman, and woman is part man. Each human contains both parts, male and
female. Both opposing poles are contained within each individual. We each have a male and a female
pole, a heart pole and a genital pole. Each individual is, at a higher level and by design, an
independent unit unto himself. Each person has the innate capacity to circulate energy and vitality
within his or her self, which is ultimately the experience of “inner sex” and the most evolved form of
human sexual expression.
PERSONAL SHARING
My First Full-Body Orgasm
I’m in India and it is 1993. I have been here more than a month, meditating every day, and suddenly I fall in love. It
happens instantly, just by looking at her. We meet the first day of a meditative therapy that lasts three weeks, and after a
couple of weeks of courting and wooing we meet at her home to make love. After long foreplay we get into the real act.
Since I arrived in India I have not had any sexual contact with a woman, so even though I’m in ecstasy about making
love with the woman I most desire in the whole world, I also have the classic male fear—some call it performance anxiety
—that makes me think, “I hope I don’t come immediately.”
For me the first love encounter with a woman has always been like a testing ground: If the feeling is real, everything
goes well and the experience is satisfactory for both partners; if it is not a real energetic feeling but the mind comes
between us, then the experience is not satisfactory. On this night all best conditions are met—there is heart, our bodies
like each other, and very importantly, we are both meditating regularly. I have always been a sensitive man, but tonight is
pure magic. I can feel what she feels and I know exactly where, and how, and when to touch her. I really feel like I am
one with her. The embrace really lasts a long time and every anxious thought is completely gone and I am totally relaxed.
The moment comes when she reaches orgasm and I, too, am captured by the escalation of pleasure that usually leads
to a short, intense little squirt that we usually call “male orgasm.” But this time it’s different. In the beginning everything
goes as usual, with the energy concentrating in my penis, ready to be scattered outside. This time, however, instead of
going out, the energy goes up my entire body, shaking me in powerful waves. It could be described as a tremor, because
the body can’t be still, and there is heat, a kind of inner tingling, waves of pleasure everywhere, and maybe women can
relate to this . . . these waves are not focused on the penis but wash through my whole body, all the way to my crown.
Initially the interval between these long pleasure waves is a few seconds, and then they become less frequent, with longer
