Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men
civilization, education, have created so many opportunities to move further and further into the world of sensation.
Ultimately, you turn into a dead person; your sensitivity is lost. Taste more foods—stronger tastes, stronger foods—
and your taste will be lost. If you move around the world and go on seeing more and more beautiful things, you will
become blind; the sensitivity of your eyes will be lost.
If you want the divine—the divine means the most alive, the ever-alive, ever-young, evergreen—if you want to
meet the divine, you will have to be more alive. How to do it? Kill out all desire for sensation. Don’t seek sensation,
seek sensitivity, become more sensitive.
The two are different. If you ask for sensations you will ask for things; you will accumulate things. But if you ask
for sensitivity, the whole work has to be done on your senses, not on things. You are not to accumulate things. You
have to deepen your feelings, your heart, your eyes, your ears, your nose. Every sense should be deepened in such a
way that it becomes capable of feeling the subtle.
OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
NEW ALCHEMY TO TURN YOU ON
2
INVOLUNTARY EJACULATION AND
DESENSITIZATION
Perhaps the most common problem or issue faced by men is their lack of control over ejaculation,
which results in an extremely high prevalence of premature ejaculation. And as we know, perhaps far
too well, ejaculation usually marks the end of the sex act. As we come, we finish, at least for the
present moment. Research has revealed that the universal average time of sexual engagement is
between two and two-and-a-half minutes. Some men are able to extend the time to fifteen minutes,
others to half an hour, or perhaps even forty-five minutes.
Enjoyable as these extra minutes definitely are, they are not really sufficient for a man to channel
his vitality into a woman, and to have it received by her and returned to him. A man’s ultimate
fulfillment lies in being bathed in a woman’s love, in overflowing radiant response to the love made
in her. Man gives to woman who receives, and then woman gives to man who, in turn, receives. A
reciprocal cycle of giving and receiving comes into play.
The truth is that if man wishes to make love for longer stretches of time and reap the true benefits of
sex, then the level of excitement has to be drastically reduced and ejaculation consciously postponed.
EXCITEMENT CAUSES PREMATURE EJACULATION
Stimulation and excitement almost always end up in ejaculation. Yet at the same time it is a challenge
to try to imagine sex without excitement. How would it look? What are you “doing” instead? Sex
without excitement sounds like a contradiction in terms. Our impetus for wanting sex in the first place
is precisely for sensation and intensity. After all, isn’t that what sex is about?
Whether or not this is true for you, it is valuable to examine the role of excitement in conventional
sex and perhaps come to the final conclusion that although excitement may be a great pleasure, too
much of it can short-circuit the system. Facts are facts.
The basic problem doesn’t lie with excitement per se, but rather with our sexual goals and the
ways we manage the excitement. We begin sex with a strong intention, deliberately stimulate our
bodies and genitals, and increase the level of intensity until there is a peak and overflow. These
tactics basically produce too much heat, usually more than man can handle, so he boils over and
discharges his life force, thereby unconsciously disempowering himself.
Sexual Fantasy Increases Excitement
Sexual fantasy is an accepted aspect of sex because it increases excitement. Fantasies in conventional
sex are, in fact, a great help, but it is perhaps accurate to say that usually we are having sex with our
minds, not with our bodies. We are unquestionably using our bodies, but we’re not really
understanding the way they are designed to function. Fantasy is a direct product of the mental powers
of the imagination, and our bodies are forced to comply and satisfy the demands of our insatiable
minds. As an example to show how sex and mind are connected, we remember a friend who told us
that she had suffered an injury to her lower spine. This disturbance caused numbness and lack of
sensitivity in the genitals over a period of several months. She couldn’t feel a thing in her sexual
organs. Nonetheless, she felt extreme desire for sex during this time. Finally she was forced to realize
that the source of her sexuality lay in her mind, not in her body.
The mind is extremely powerful, but there are consequences to embracing fantasy as a sexual
strategy. Fantasy is undeniably tied to excitement, which is tied to premature ejaculation; the three are
linked together. Fantasy increases stimulation and excitement levels (as do all types of sexual aids),
which in turn produce chronic premature ejaculation.
Many people depend on fantasy and excitement for their sexual responses and in order to reach
orgasm. The pornographic film industry is reportedly much larger than the mainstream film industry,
and there are stripper bars in every major city in the world. Fantasy is an imagined situation; you are
not with the person in the spirit of togetherness, sharing a mutual experience. You are mentally absent
and not present, which results in the same consequence as focusing on the goal of orgasm; you are
ahead of yourself or out of yourself. In both cases the mind, not the event itself, is the trigger. The
mind wants orgasm and creates fantasy to satisfy its desire.
Staying Cool in Sex
If you want to avoid short-lived sex, it helps to heed an interesting folk aphorism: “A little is good,
but more is not better.” In the case of excitement this advice holds true; a little excitement is good, but
more excitement is not better. Maybe more brings more pleasure and intensity, but if we wish to
change, it’s helpful to recognize the outcome of such behavior patterns.
In order to experience longer exchanges we need to cool down the sex act. A little excitement is
fine, nothing is wrong in it, but then relax and take it easy. A retreat participant once shared his
experience of having his thirty-year-old premature ejaculation problem vanish overnight, once he’d
discovered the key of avoiding getting overexcited and remaining cool.
A style of sex that is cool and simple is more sustainable. It extends, expands, and increases the
attraction between the bodies. The accepted cultural ideal is that sex should be as hot as possible, an
approach that virtually guarantees premature ejaculation. Sooner or later excitement burns out, we
take each other for granted, and boredom takes up residence. Boredom is natural; anything repeated
again and again becomes a boring experience. Whenever the newness is lost, boredom takes its place.
Excitement is triggered by the unknown, the newness of a situation, but the newness quickly wears off
and the initial attraction burns up in the flames of excitement. Often couples report that after periods
of heavy sex they experience a kind of physical repulsion and complete loss of interest in sex for a
while.
SENSATION REDUCES SENSITIVITY
One significant by-product of excessive stimulation is that the penis becomes less and less sensitive.
The more sensation to which the penis is subjected, the less sensitive it becomes. The same is true for
the vagina. The repeated rubbing action of the penis within the vagina (or in the hand during
masturbation) desensitizes both the penis and the vagina.
Repetitive in-and-out movements create friction between the tissues, which causes heat and a
charge. After sex, a residue of tension remains in the body. This accumulates over time, and
eventually the penis becomes subtly overcharged and tougher, and therefore less sensitive and less
perceptive. Quite often the erect male penis feels unnaturally dense, hard, or even metallic to the
touch. This rigidity reflects the tensions held in the tissue of the penis. Sensitivity is reduced, and a
man loses the ability, capacity, and power to feel into the actual tissues of the penis. The penis itself
loses inner vitality and consciousness, from its root all the way up to the radiant head. It forgets its
slithering, supple, flexible nature that renders it capable of winding up and down inside the vagina
exactly like a snake.
At the end of a retreat several years ago, a scientist who had participated told us that the loss of
sensitivity in the face of intensity of stimulation had been scientifically proven in the second half of
the nineteenth century by German physiologist Ernst Weber and physicist and psychologist Gustav
Fechmer. Their research, formulated as the Weber-Fechmer law, is the theory of the relationship
between stimulus and experience. Their research showed that the change in intensity of a sensation
varies in increments proportional to the relative change of the stimulus. Today this is known to be true
for every sensory channel within its range of dynamics. A simple example would be to light a match
in the darkness. In this instance the light is like an explosion, but if you do the same in bright sunlight,
it is barely perceptible. More sensation correlates to less sensitivity, and less sensation correlates to
more sensitivity. Instead of endlessly seeking more and more sensation, we should begin to develop
our senses so that we become capable of feeling the subtle yet vital life force moving through us at
any moment of the day.
Mechanical Repetition and Loss of Sensitivity
To raise the intensity of sensation, we increase the tempo and frequency of our movements. We
become mechanical, repeating the same thing again and again. Whenever there is an element of
mechanical repetition in movement there is a corresponding lack of consciousness, and thereby loss
of sensitivity, in each of the contributing individual movements. The steps that make up the journey
are lost as we become climax machines, tense with the effort of getting where we want to go—
orgasm!
Through being in a hurry we actually reduce the capacity to internally feel ourselves at a
meaningful level. What is happening second by second in the body and genitals? Within the penis?
Around the penis? Between the penis and vagina? If we are conscious in each moment, in each
movement, the unfolding of sex can become a state of awe and wonder that lasts for hours. An
experience of pure pleasure. A state of timelessness is entered wherein the moments emerge
spontaneously from the body, unfolding naturally, one giving way to the next without fantasy or goals
or mind being involved. The body is taken over by an innate force that intelligently guides it into
loving expression. It is quite literally a mindless experience because we become utterly absorbed by
our bodies in their state of heightened sesitivity. The more conscious and present a person is during
sex, the greater his or her sensitivity will be.
Woman’s Excitement Can Trigger Male Ejaculation
Most men have experienced coming very easily when the woman gets overexcited or too hot,
especially as she strives to come to a climax. Ejaculation happens in a helpless enjoyable flash, and
there is nothing to be done to avoid it. Many men confirm this experience, saying it is as if an
ejaculation is virtually pulled from them, completely out of the blue. They are taken by surprise
because they were nowhere near ready to ejaculate. Although the situation appears uncontrollable
there is something that can be done, and that is to avoid making the woman too excited. If you’d like
to make love last longer, maintain the sexual temperature at cool to gently simmering.
WOMEN’S SEXUAL RELUCTANCE
Let’s face reality: men usually desire sex more often than their partners do. Ever wondered why? The
truth is that for a woman the few minutes of sexual interaction are not really satisfying. There is
hardly sufficient time for her body to warm up and celebrate the occasion. This sadly implies that
women repeatedly return from sexual encounters feeling unfulfilled and at a loss—with the sense that
the pleasures of sex are not worth the efforts of sex. Feelings such as these can get firmly embedded
and cause many women to begin to avoid sex. Research reveals that 82 percent of women would
rather kiss and cuddle than have sex; they find the exchange more nourishing. The choice to cuddle
instead of having sex is a reflection of women’s lack of true enjoyment when the penis is within the
vagina.
Men can rest assured that the reluctant sexual response of a woman is not a mental or conscious
response wherein she suddenly decides she does not want sex. (There are contraception issues that
sometimes stand in the way of a woman’s assent, mentioned in chapter 7.) The closing down of a
woman’s body is usually a slow, gradual process, unless she has suffered some trauma, in which case
the closing down can be immediate. The withdrawal is physical yet very subtle, and something over
which a woman does not have much conscious control. Many a woman feels she is alone in her
unexpected and uninvited turnoff to sex, but it is a common and universal theme. Repeated lack of
fulfillment plays a great part in why women experience loss of interest in sex. Women are definitely
not frigid by nature, but their bodies start to freeze over when the sex is always hot, hard, and quick.
What’s a man to do? Why precisely are women not enjoying sex? Why does your woman not want
sex as much as you do? A recent Redbook survey shows that 52 percent of women regularly fake
orgasms. According to a Durex Global Sex Survey, only 17 percent of women are likely to have an
