Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men
rehearse in the mind. There is no need to do anything in particular: just be loving and available. Go on playing with
each other’s energy. And when you start making love there is no need to make it great. Otherwise you will be
pretending and so will the other person. He will pretend that he is a great lover and you will pretend that you are a
great lover . . . and both are unsatisfied. There is no need to pose anything. It is a very silent prayer. Making love is
meditation. It is sacred, it is the holiest of holies. So while you are making love, go very slowly . . . with taste, taking
in every flavor of it. And very slowly: there is no hurry, no need to hurry, enough time is there.
OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
THE OPEN SECRET
1
MALE BURDEN OF PERFORMANCE
Sex plays a central and crucial role in the life of a man from his early years onward, and remains
significant regardless of whether a man is often having sex, seldom having sex, or not having sex at
all. Since sex is pivotal to life, there are underlying aspects to the act that get hidden from sight, never
brought into the light of day to be examined or questioned. Scratch the surface a little, however, and
surprisingly soon men will start to express their feelings. Most men freely admit they would like to
have sex more often, yet again and again they share with us in our seminars that as important as sex is,
it is also experienced as a burden and a form of stress, which is sometimes subtle, other times not so
subtle. The pressures implicit in sex can become a source of anxiety, which gives rise to a sense of
insecurity and a lack of self-confidence.
When a man first gets together with a woman there is considerable pressure to be a good lover;
perhaps he will even attempt to be the best lover this particular woman has ever had. There are many
expectations, and the stakes are high. First, there has to be an erection, which is not guaranteed even
in the most ideal situation, as we all know. Next, if and when the erection happens, it has to be
maintained for as long as possible, which means that a certain level of stimulation and excitement is
required. At the same time the man is praying that he doesn’t ejaculate too quickly, at least not before
the woman has her orgasm. And if everything works out just right, maybe it will even be possible to
have an orgasm at the same time.
There are so many variables involved in the process that it is easy to get lost in the midst of
monitoring and orchestrating the situation to best effect. At the beginning of a love affair a man’s
stress and performance anxiety are usually more obvious to him (but hopefully not to her), since he is
more directly confronted by his wish to be successful. But after a while, as the relationship begins to
unfold and assume a more day-to-day familiarity, his anxieties about performance temporarily bury
themselves under a comfortable sexual routine. Even when a man is not consciously aware of his
insecurity in sex, he nonetheless carries the emotional tension around with him each and every day of
his life.
And in truth, the bottom line is that a woman can criticize a man about many things—being a lousy
cook, a bad driver, unsuccessful at work, or even a miserable father. These criticisms are not easy to
receive, but somehow they are manageable. But when a woman dares to criticize our sexual behavior,
when she brings our performance into question, the words hit home and touch us at our most
vulnerable place, rattling our male ego. To be not appreciated or valued as a lover can be very
difficult for a man to digest.
RELAXING INSTEAD OF PERFORMING
Whether we are aware of it or not, much of our personality, identity, and self-perception is rooted in
sex and in how we perceive ourselves as sexual beings. Sex also acts as a confirmation of our power
and potency, thereby becoming connected—consciously or unconsciously—with pressure and
performance in an attempt to prove our true value and worth.
Men who begin to experiment with a relaxed style of sex, as outlined in the chapters ahead, say it is
an unbelievable relief to have the stress taken out of sex. All the big-time action that is
unquestioningly accepted as part of sex simply falls away, because there is no longer a need for it. To
relax in sex a man needs to be encouraged to abandon the idea that he, as the man, is 100 percent
responsible for the quality of the shared sexual experience, whether it is very good, quite good, or
unsatisfactory. In place of carrying the overall responsibility for the sexual interaction, which
involves tremendous effort on his part, the man can discover how to simply b e in sex—intensely
present, in the here and now—and explore a more relaxing style of sex that does not include
performance, effort, or tension.
Removing the Goal Removes the Pressure
In exploring a new style of sex, it is very helpful to shift our awareness from “doing” to “being.” In
order to alleviate performance pressure—the doing—the first step is to remove what we perceive as
the goal. Generally the goal of sex is to have an orgasm. This goal of orgasm, which is the experience
that usually makes people want to have sex in the first place, is what creates pressure. As we make
love our deliberate intention and efforts are directed toward achieving that final end—a climax of
heightened intense pleasure that lasts for a few short seconds.
There are significant disturbances that result from making orgasm the basic goal of sex. At the very
outset, the focus on trying to get to the finish naturally causes us to get ahead of ourselves. This is true
for men and women alike. If you pay attention you’ll notice that your attention is more focused on the
next penetration than the one happening right now in the present. Interest is generally in what lies
ahead, what is coming next, and not what is occurring in the moment. The next penetration is more
enticing because it brings us one step closer to the grand finale. We are unconsciously more focused
on the future, so while the body remains engaged, there is little or no awareness of or in the present
moment. We are following the mind with its specific ideas about how sex should go, and we are not
tuning in and listening to the wisdom of the body.
Men often report wanting to have sex more frequently, but don’t know how to make this happen.
Many have lost confidence in reaching woman and have little clue as to how to get her more
interested in sex. In our teaching we see how long-term issues like these begin dissolving in an
extraordinarily short span of time—and only because of the non-goal-oriented, conscious style of sex
we propose. During our retreats, we usually begin to see encouraging signs of response within
individuals and between couples within two to five days. It is an honor to witness this miracle every
time, like a shift from dark into light and from fear into love. All the barriers and problems that
people arrived with begin to dissolve, and couples find a fresh sexual track leading to new
dimensions, uncharted territory, and unlimited love. That it happens so easily is both astounding and
reassuring.
Change Your Mind to Change Your Body
A shift of the kind experienced by our participants is possible only because the mind has reoriented to
view sex and love from a diametrically opposite perspective. Without great effort you find you are
indeed actually “making” love, and finally giving the expression its true meaning. When we stay
present during lovemaking we naturally create love.
The solution appearing before us is quite simple—or so it seems! If we all change our minds about
sex, we will possibly witness a dramatic reduction in the sex, love, and relationship problems to
which people unhappily resign themselves.
HUMANS NEED MORE SEX
Sexual difficulties are experienced by both men and women, with the tragic outcome that human
beings do not have enough sex. When sex finally happens the experience is short lived. Most partners
do not have sex frequently enough for optimum mental, physical, and emotional health. Many do not
make love for months and months on end, sometimes stretching into years. Sex satisfies our bodies,
hearts, souls, intelligence, creativity, and most of all, our love—of self and of others. Sex is not the
only way to access love, but if you are having or wanting sex, as most men are, then sex may as well
be used to its highest potential.
When a U.K. satellite television channel recently conducted a survey on what people on their
deathbeds regret most, seven out of ten British pensioners—both men and women—regretted not
having “shagged around” (screwed around) more. As people were dying they were wishing they had
had more sex in their lives. What an incredible revelation, that human beings are leaving this world
sexually unfulfilled. Since it is becoming urgent and necessary for human beings to have more sex
during their lifetimes, we need to develop a more evolved, sustainable style of sex that is manageable
until our dying day. We need an approach that doesn’t fizzle out when the newness is lost, disinterest
or complacency sets in, or impotence or diminished hormones make sex more difficult.
EXPLORATION AND VULNERABILITY
To get more out of sex requires taking an adventurous step motivated by curiosity, intelligence, or
both. The key is to make love frequently using the information and suggestions offered in the chapters
ahead. If you follow where it leads and stay with what unfolds, you may soon notice a change in the
quality of your life and a difference in how you feel about yourself as a man. You may even begin to
perceive women differently.
As you begin to explore sex, old childhood wounds, memories, and insecurities may rise to the
surface. It’s better not to try to override or ignore any sexual difficulty or insecurity. Be open to
yourself and allow your feelings to emerge, expressing any tears and vulnerability, not-knowing,
insecurity, or confusion. Allowing yourself space to feel hidden aspects of your being is part of a
healing and reintegrating process. Sexual exploration is a journey in self-discovery that not only leads
to being a better lover with improved skills, but also can transform age-old restrictive patterns and
generate more love and happiness. One thing is for certain—most women prefer a man’s gentle, softer
side to his hard, tougher side.
Rarely in the lifetime of the average human being are there altered states of orgasmic bliss, love,
joy, and a peace that surpasses all understanding. The experience of being radiantly alive on a
cellular level. Energized and aglow through merging with the body and its senses. Making love
naturally presents us with an incredibly easy situation within which to “be present” and immerse
ourselves in the body. Because of the absence of evolved sexual understanding, the human race
suffers tremendous consequences. We are distorted by unconscious forces that affect our true nature,
so that men are not truly men and women are not truly women. When we relate or connect through
these distortions of our personalities and sexual identification, sooner or later the invariable result is
tension and unhappiness.
SEXUAL CONDITIONING AND HOW IT SHAPES US
Each of us is unconsciously conditioned by society whether we like it or not, some more heavily than
others. In conventional sexuality the majority of men tend to demonstrate the distorted versions of
their true male qualities. Below you’ll find a list of true male qualities in the first column, each of
which is followed by a word or a few words describing the same quality after it has been distorted
through false sexual conditioning. The 1960s-era saying, “Make love, not war,” is actually a truth. A
lack of sufficient fulfilling or nourishing sex often results in anger and aggression. Changing a man’s
understanding, and therefore his experience of sex, naturally calls forth his original, authentic male
qualities.
TRUE MALE QUALITIES VERSUS
CONDITIONED DISTORTIONS
Power
Abuse, domination
Presence
Absence
Strength
Hardness
Clarity
Judgment
Assertiveness
Aggression
Creativity
Achievement, ambition
Meditation
Reclusiveness
Will
Stubbornness
Courage
Machismo, compensation
Leadership
Control, politics, law and order
Protector, authority
Authoritarian
Wildness
Brutality
Spontaneity
Performance
Wisdom
Arrogance
Charisma
Sexual manipulation
Sun, life giving
Sunburn, ecological destruction
Expression, articulation
Pomposity, boorishness
Action
Activity, bullishness
Independence
Isolation
Heartfelt, loving, compassionate
Selfish, egoistic
Tantric Inspiration
We live for sensations, we hanker for sensations. We go on seeking newer and newer sensations; our whole life is
an effort to obtain new sensations. But what happens? The more you seek sensations, the less sensitive you
become. Sensitivity is lost.
It looks paradoxical. In sensations, sensitivity is lost. Then you ask for more and more sensations and the “more”
kills your sensitivity more. Then you ask for even more, and finally a moment comes when all your senses have
become dull and dead. Man has never before been so dull and dead as he is today. He was always more alive
before, because there were not so many possibilities to fulfill so many sensations. But now science, progress,
civilization, education, have created so many opportunities to move further and further into the world of sensation.
