Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men
fact that you repressed your deeper feelings at that time and did not express them is really the issue in
the present. If feelings had been authentically released at the time, they would not keep bubbling up
inside of you. You would have felt a great deal better for having expressed the feelings, even if a
particular issue remained unresolved between you. Through expression you release emotions you’ve
been dragging around and accumulating year by year. You keep yourself free from the past.
THE ROLE OF EMOTIONS IN SEX
Because of our emotional patterns, as couples we tend to get a bit high on emotions and begin to
believe that this intensity is a part of love, and that a good hurling of china is an expression of our
love. We once heard Barry Long say that all anger is, in reality, the result of sexual frustration. This
certainly gives food for thought, especially in light of all the wars going on around us and how little
satisfying sex is being enjoyed on Earth. Men and women have pressures and frustrations associated
with conventional orgasm, so they are quite likely to have anger about this as well. Many women feel
deep rage toward men for their abusive behavior, a rage that extends beyond the personal to the
collective level.
Discharging Emotions through Sex
Very often men use sex to discharge their emotional tension. Since they generally express their real
feelings much less readily than women, men often have an overload of unexpressed feelings, along
with their accompanying tensions. These cause an “itch” in the system, and a man can start to feel
horny and want quick sex, excitement, and discharge in order to balance the system. This type of sex
has nothing to do with man’s basic sexual system and how he is designed to operate as the male
principle on Earth. Barry Long referred to the hot excitement/ ejaculation style of sex as “emotional
sex,” and a demanding or hungry or aggressive penis as an “emotional penis.”
For man to discover his true male qualities he is advised to refrain from using the sexual channel to
release emotional tensions. Ejaculation is certainly an extremely pleasurable way to release them, but
there are consequences to such discharges. Men need to find alternative ways to release the tensions
they accumulate through life in general, which often involves high levels of stress and anxiety,
including survival anxiety. Men will benefit enormously from using their legs in regular daily
exercise—for example, jogging, gym workouts, ta’i chi, dance, squats, and any kind of stretching—as
well as receiving regular deep-tissue massage in order to relax and free tension in the musculature of
the legs and feet.
Tantric Sex Reduces Emotionality
When love is made consciously and emotional or hot sex is avoided (or reduced), there is soon a
visible shift in the emotional state of woman. She becomes more radiant, open, and content. Nagging
stops, and she begins to flower. Women in our couple’s workshops experience a shift within two or
three days of making love regularly without forcing a peak orgasm. Men also notice a big change in
their own emotional state, as they become calm and centered, grounded in the body, more present and
aware, more relaxed, and more loving. Sounds perfect! Men also notice that anger is not provoked so
easily. Anger and frustration levels reduce dramatically when hot sex and ejaculation are avoided or
reduced.
How we make love profoundly affects who we are and how we conduct ourselves as human
beings. It is of eternal value to explore evolved sexual approaches and observe how these
experiences begin to shape who you are, how you feel on an inner level, and your perception of each
other and the world around you.
EXPRESSING FEELINGS IN THE PRESENT
In addition to keeping the past in the past by recognizing when emotion steps in, and experimenting
with relaxing into sex to avoid adding emotions to those you already have, the art now becomes one
of staying in touch with your feelings so that you can begin to feel what you are feeling. To keep love
fresh and free of emotion it becomes essential to express feelings as they arise. Do not hang on to
your feelings for an instant, unless you are in a hopelessly inappropriate situation. Move with the
rising feeling and don’t let your mind talk you out of it. Allow tears to flow, laughter to erupt, and
roars to unleash. Jump up and down, do something fast, and above all, do not repress feelings and in
so doing form fresh emotions, which happens very quickly. Equally quickly, any sadness, pain, anger,
or frustration, if fully lived as it is happening, will have a life span of about eight intense seconds,
after which it is all over.
When you practice consciously expressing anger there are a few hard-and-fast golden rules that
come with it, and these are not to be broken under any circumstances. If you feel anger, do not direct
it onto your partner, even if your emotions are convincing you that she is at fault. Do not touch her or
do anything to hurt her physically; do not even face her. Turn to face in the opposite direction,
showing her your back; then let a deep roar emerge from your belly.
PERSONAL SHARING
Releasing the Roar
The first time I consciously allowed my anger to flow was unforgettable. In the very instant that I felt the rising anger for
being blamed for something I did not do, I contacted a deep, roaring sound in my belly that was so powerful it shot me up
into the air to virtually touch the ceiling, and this one was higher than most ceilings. By the time gravity pulled me back to
terra firma a second or two later, it was all over. I felt no anger, no emotion, no resentment—nothing. I stepped back into
the moment without hesitation, ready to continue relating, I felt liberated and refreshed.
When anger arises, welcome it, knowing that it is old tension within you that can be transformed.
By expressing it you are released from its restrictive grip. Contacting feelings is a cleansing
experience; energy that was locked up suddenly becomes available. When you express a feeling or
transform an emotion into a feeling you feel lighter, expanded, and fresh; you’re more connected to
your partner, open and soft, clear and radiant, even loving. Emotions bring the experience of quite
opposite qualities: darkness and gloom, despair and collapse. The whole range of positive uplifting
experiences arise when you share your feelings. (Learn more in Nonviolent Communication: A
Language of Life; see Recommended Books and Resources.)
HUMANS NEED LOVEMAKING FOR CONTINUED WELL-BEING
Relaxing into sex brings you into a state of being that is quite apart from the whole range of emotions.
Through relaxation we reach a rare state in which our energy is regenerated, and we become suffused
with peacefulness as opposed to frustration. As life force moves upward through the energy centers
(chakras), it cleanses and purifies them and makes the inner-body experience increasingly dynamic
and alive.
Contemporary women suffer from a mass of issues: extreme menstrual syndromes with hormonal
ups and downs, poor self-esteem, fears of aging, menopausal anxieties, disappointment, and often
disinterest in sex. At a certain point sex is considered by many women to be too much hard work with
very little reward, and for this reason they abandon it.
For men the situation is equally dire. Until given the chance to enjoy the expansion of his sexual
energy through direct experience, man cannot begin to imagine it. And since excitement and
ejaculation are the only experiences he knows, it is not so easy to consider doing something
differently. A man’s inability to channel his real life force can result in frustration, aggression, anger,
restlessness, obsessive fantasizing about sex (both alone and during the act), and all types of sexual
perversions.
When the life force circulates freely through man he finally feels himself as more of a man. At the
end of a recent workshop a man said, “This is the first time in my life of fifty-four years that I have
been given any insight or guidance on what it means to be a man.” And that was not the first time
we’ve heard this. When a man knows how to use his sexual energy correctly, allowing it to expand
throughout his body, the sense of self changes. Sex becomes less to do with the other or with getting
something, and becomes more a way of valuing and loving oneself, of being with oneself. And in this
frame woman is likely to be more interested in making love. With insight into our body mechanisms
we are able to direct the sexual energy and be more in command of love and life. Man will be in
wonder, even a bit awestruck to learn how the same elements—the penis and the vagina—can
produce two such vastly different experiences.
MALE AUTHORITY THROUGH TAKING RESPONSIBLE ACTION
Many a man is interested in producing a peak orgasm for a woman because he believes it validates
him as a lover, but this attitude has grave consequences for both men and women. Until a man can
manage to fully satisfy one woman, he will never feel himself to be a true man, in spite of any other
achievements and successes. The need for man to feel himself as masculine, for woman to feel herself
as feminine, and for both to have orgasmic experiences through each other is a burning need for
humanity today. Without the generative, spiritual, sexual expression, the human race will slowly die
from love starvation.
Eliminating or reducing the usual orgasm-driven sex may sound like a loss, but this is truly
responsible action on the part of a man. With responsibility you gain freedom, higher sexual
experiences, and greater sexual fulfillment, and you transform from an emotional human into a loving
human. You lift yourself out of the cycles of unconsciousness that have been going on between people
for generations. Life changes its whole quality when the genitals are reserved to serve love, which is
their higher purpose. Reproduction is the lower purpose of the sexual interaction. Through
understanding the genitals anew and using them according to the inherent polarities embodied in male
and female, it is possible to create love in the here and now, with the person you are with today. You
learn to contain the energy, embrace it, expand with it, and melt into it.
When physical love reaches a refined level of exchange through polarity, love is generated as a
tangible reality between a man and a woman. In being profoundly touched, woman connects with the
source of her own love and showers man with her love, thereby completing the circuit of love and
joy. Remember again and again: any level of awareness brought into sex will begin to create love; it
is the awareness itself that transforms sex into love. Once again, it is not what we do but how we do
it. Woman is love, this is the quintessence of her very soul; thus, love to her is as essential as food.
She requires the opportunity to relax into her feminine nature and receive the contentment and
regeneration of ecstatic experiences to sustain her life. The sincerity and willingness of both parties
is clearly a contributing factor, but the responsibility also lies in the individual’s hands. Through
cooperation in sex we can regain power and balance as male and female forces.
Tantric Inspiration
There is certainly something very similar in very different emotions: the overwhelmingness. It may be love, it may be
hate, it may be anger—it can be anything. If it is too much then it gives you a sense of being overwhelmed by
something. Even pain and suffering can create the same experience, but overwhelmingness has no value in itself. It
simply shows you are an emotional being. This is typically the indication of an emotional personality. When it is
anger, it is all anger. And when it is love, it is all love. It almost becomes drunk with the emotion, blind. And
whatever action comes out of it is wrong. Even if it is overwhelming love, the action that will come out of it is not
going to be right.
Reduced to its base, whenever you are overwhelmed by any emotion you lose all reason, you lose all sensitivity,
you lose your heart in it. It becomes almost like a dark cloud in which you are lost. Then whatever you do is going to
be wrong. Love is not to be a part of your emotions. Ordinarily that’s what people think and experience, but anything
overwhelming is very unstable. It comes like a wind and passes by, leaving you behind, empty, shattered, in sadness
and in sorrow.
According to those who know man’s whole being—his mind, his heart, and his being—love has to be an
expression of your being, not an emotion. Emotion is very fragile, very changing. One moment it seems that is all.
Another moment, you are simply empty. So the first thing to do is take love out of this crowd of overwhelming
emotions.
Love is not overwhelming. On the contrary, love is a tremendous insight, clarity, sensitivity, awareness. But that
kind of love rarely exists, because very few people ever reach to their being.
OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
OM SHANTIH SHANTIH SHANTIH
PERSONAL SHARING
Tantric Sex Completely Changed My Life
It is unbelievable how much has changed in the past months since the “Making Love” retreat. When I think about what
has happened to me, tears start running and I am infinitely grateful for these experiences and for this gift in my life.
Again and again, I am confused and I keep thinking: “This can’t be true. I am for sure on some sort of trip.” But the trip
does not seem to end. For the very first time in my life, I realize that I have treated my body badly and that I can stop this
