Diana Richardson - Tantric Sex for Men
content with soft penetration and the experience of subtle, ecstatic emanations from the penis. It is a
great support to the man if a woman can communicate what she feels within herself (her inner
sensitivity) out loud in words while making love, particularly in the situation where a man discovers
he is not (yet) able to feel the power residing within his own penis. At the very least, it’s relaxing to
know that woman can feel man, even if he cannot feel himself. And she, as container, is bound to be
more perceptive initially.
Impotence Issues
Impotence—lack of erection—is a deep-seated fear in most men, provoking anxiety at an almost
primal level. Excitement leads to a certain type of erection that is very fragile and requires
stimulation to keep it going. Impotence is no longer an issue when soft entry used. And—surprise,
surprise—erection may take place on its own. The best cure for impotence is to keep putting yourself
in the situation and continue making love with no erection. In time things are highly likely to change as
sensitivity returns.
Several years ago a man with an inherited erectile dysfunction came to our group with his wife. He
had been using penis implants up until this point and was wondering whether to drop the implant and
instead try the way we had been explaining during the group. His success has been incredible. He
does not have full erections now, but enough that it is no longer a problem. He describes his
experience below.
PERSONAL SHARING
From Impotence to Daily Lovemaking
First of all, we bought your new book, Tantric Love—Feeling versus Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy (the German
edition). My wife read it within three hours. I took more time, but also read it quite quickly. We can confirm all that you
have been saying. Emotions and feelings are too often mixed up, and very few people are aware of this important
difference. (See chapter 9 for more on the distinction between feelings and emotions.)
Last December we attended a workshop for Vipassana meditation. The theme was arrogance; the solution is humility.
The insight and the teaching was: Our minds are constantly using our senses to compare all our perceptions and assess
them as positive/good (I want more), negative/harmful (I want to get rid of it), or equal/good (which is not really
satisfactory either). As long as we constantly compare, we are never relaxed in life and are unable to enjoy a love
relationship with awareness and equanimity.
It lines up perfectly with your explanation of why there is so much incomprehension and jealousy between couples. In
any event, we learned that making love your way takes away so much of the pressure that many reasons for comparison
vanish, and disappointment (emotions) within yourself and against your partner just doesn’t manifest. For us making love
has become a kind of meditation, combining intimacy with spirituality, which we consider the whipped cream on the cake.
But let us tell you what happened to us since we attended the course with you a second time. After the first course with
you a few years ago we practiced love within my almost nonexistent erection capability (owing to my medical condition).
In the beginning we made love two to three times a week, and slowly cut back to making love once a week, keeping this
frequency stable. We noted that regardless of the unhurried and relaxed way of making love, there was often the feeling
that after almost an entire week it was about time to have sex together, and this created increasingly unpleasant pressure
to perform.
After the first course, my wife started paying a lot of attention to my penis, massaging me and holding my penis in her
hand every night when we went to bed, falling asleep this way. My penis got so much attention that it started to react to
her contact, not with an erection, but with a kind of aliveness. It swells up just enough that I can introduce it into her
vagina without great effort, and is also firm enough to go for an ejaculation, if I so desire. Even if my penis extends less
than four inches, it is good enough to have the real feeling of having sex. Since my wife has never had an orgasm by
penetration, but only by stimulation of her clitoris, this “handicap” of my shortened penis is not really bothering us.
Sometimes I feel that I’m not a “real man with a hard one,” but the sexual satisfaction I experience with my wife vastly
exceeds the short event of conventional sex and ejaculation.
After our second course with you we both had the impulse to say, “Why don’t we decide to have sex every day to get
rid of the pressure of having to do it after a number of days? Let’s create an atmosphere in which making love daily is as
normal as eating meals.” We decided to connect our genitals every morning at daybreak. We set the clock one hour
earlier in the morning and start with twenty minutes of cuddling and caressing each other. Then my wife celebrates the oil
ceremony, oiling her vagina and giving a short oil massage to my penis—just enough for it to be gently hard and easily
introduced into her vagina. We remain connected for another twenty minutes, and then either turn and change position
or share some moments of in and out movements. About once a week one of us—or both—feels like going for an orgasm,
and we celebrate it without restriction. Finally we have another twenty minutes of cuddling—relaxing, drowsing,
caressing, and so on. After an hour we get up, my wife takes a shower, and I sit down for Vipassana meditation till she is
ready to leave the house for work. Often our genitals radiate pleasant vibrations and pulsate throughout our entire
bodies for the whole day. It is just gorgeous.
We started this a few months ago, and since then have hardly missed a day of making love. It has become so natural
and uncomplicated that we actually long for it if we have to miss one day. Our entire relationship has reached another
level because we can behave so freely and openly, which I never before thought possible.
Sometimes we look back and ask ourselves what triggered our starting to insist on making love every day. We don’t
know, really, it just clicked and we knew we wanted to try it. During our second course with you we heard from a couple
resolutely doing a fifteen-minute tantric get together every morning who seemed to be happy and united, so maybe this
was the final kick for us to start.
We are very thankful for having met you and having been able to learn this method of making love from you. In my
special situation with a medical condition, I often wonder what I would have done after conventional sex was no longer
possible for me. I don’t even want to imagine.
PERSONAL SHARING
Viagra Is No Longer Necessary
Since puberty, erection has been of great importance for me. The first time I had sex with a woman it happened in a very
small compact car, and I had no idea where to put my long legs. Due to the excitement, I did not find my way into her
vagina and had a premature ejaculation. Ever since, ejaculation and penetration were stressful for me. Each time I met a
new woman, I immediately had a fear of failure and thus, difficulty with the erection. It wasn’t until my first longer
partnership that this theme began to lose its importance.
My penultimate partnership was very much affected by wild sex and strong emotions. It was sex that glued us together
and helped us to come together again and again, but in the end, even sex did not work any more. This resulted in new
emotions, mutual hurt, and finally, in separation. Since I was nearing the end of my fifties at that time I presumed that sex
was over for me, until I found out about the remedy for erections: Cialis (Viagra). I was very relieved to be able to have
sexual contact with new women, and realized that I retained my capacity for erection even beyond the action time of the
remedy. This also showed me the psychological aspect of the erection deficit. When I met my new wife, we had a weekend
relationship for the first two years. I got used to taking Cialis each time before we met, because it gave me a sense of
security. When we took a two-week vacation, one pill at the beginning of the holiday was enough.
After we read your book, The Heart of Tantric Sex, my wife didn’t want me to take the remedy any more, so I promised
to take it only after having talked to her. At home, where we were already comfortable with the relaxed way of
lovemaking, I found taking it less and less necessary.
Before the lovemaking retreat we had not seen each other for three weeks. During the first three days of the seminar,
I again experienced some pressure with the issues, and had trouble keeping my sense of humor about erection and
penetration. I feared that since I was sixty-three years old, my virility was definitely over, so I told her that I would like to
take Viagra again. When she declined my request, we had a talk with the two of you and somehow I relaxed after having
talked about it so openly. The loving support of my partner, and the length of time that we took for lovemaking, has
resulted ever since in much heartfelt and relaxed sex. I learned that even with a weak erection at the beginning,
lovemaking lasted longer, and was heartfelt and deep. Our love grew and I was able to relax more and more deeply.
Since then our love and our sexuality have reached a new dimension. For me it has been a gift. Being able to let go of
goal-oriented male sexuality as my erection was getting weaker has caused our love to grow. Thank you both for this
wonderful experience.
PERSONAL SHARING
My Body Keeps Me Honest
During lovemaking, my body lets me know if I am touching from my heart. I became aware of it when I was lying in bed
with my wife in a close embrace one morning. With my right hand I was touching her skin, which felt warm and soft, and
in contrast I experienced my hand as stiff, wooden, and lifeless. All of a sudden it came into my consciousness: “You are
not touching your woman with your heart.” That’s why my hand felt so dull. When I thought about why this was so, I
realized I felt trapped in my old pattern of not getting enough. The root of this pattern is not love, openness, and trust,
which explains why my hand did not feel loving, trusting, and open. I decided to watch my hand as I shifted my attention
away from the pattern to a deep and relaxed presence toward myself. Very swiftly my sensation of my hand changed. My
hand softened, became alive, and was gently tingling. Immediately the breath was flowing through my hand and became
one with my whole body. My hand was reconnected, and I was again able to touch from the heart. I was aware of the
whole and no longer focused on my pattern. This experience taught me what is most important when touching my wife:
relaxed, loving presence toward myself. So every touch is a delight and a touch of my heart.
Tantric Inspiration
If you can go on growing in this intimacy, which is no more excitement, then the joy will arise: first excitement, then
love, then joy. Joy is the ultimate product, the fulfillment. Excitement is just a beginning, a triggering; it is not the end.
And those who finish at excitement will never know what love is, will never know the mystery of love, will never
know the joy of love. They will know sensations, excitement, passionate fever, but they will never know the grace
that is love. They will never know how beautiful it is to be with a person with no excitement but with silence, with no
words, with no effort to do anything. Just being together, sharing one space, one being, sharing each other, not
thinking of what to do, what to say, where to go, how to enjoy; all those things are gone. The storm is over and there
is silence.
And it is not that you will not make love but it will not be a making really; it will be a love happening. It will
happen out of grace, out of silence, out of rhythm; it will arise from your depths, it will not be bodily really. There is a
sex which is spiritual, which has nothing to do with the body. Although the body partakes in it, participates in it, it is
not the source of it. Then sex takes on the color of Tantra, only then.
OSHO, TRANSCRIBED TEACHINGS,
