Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
“The only thing that I can think of, madam, is that you should hold the hammer with both hands.”
* * *A blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can’t take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep[41] in the chair. The barber can’t cut her hair correctly with the headphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead.[42] Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said, “Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out…”
* * *“Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?”
“Because he had no-body to go with!”
* * *“I have good news and bad news”, the defence lawyer[43] says to his client.
“What’s the bad news?”
The lawyer says:
“Your blood matches the DNA[44] found at the murder scene.[45]”
“Dammit![46]” cries the client. “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” the lawyer says. “Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
* * *“Why couldn’t Cinderella be a good football player?”
“She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach[47] was a pumpkin.”
* * *A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards[48] signed, “Guess who?”
“But why?” asks the man.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replies.
* * *A man walked into a doctor’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”
“What’s the problem?” the doctor inquired.
“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”
“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.[49] Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden[50] expression on his face.
“Did my advice not work?” asked the doctor.
“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”
“So, what’s your problem?”
“I don’t have a problem,” the man replied. “My wife does.”
* * *We’ve all heared that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters[51] will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the internet, we know this is not true.
* * *“What’s worse than finding a maggot in an apple?”
“Finding half a maggot!”
* * *A thief stuck a pistol in a man’s ribs and said, “Give me your money.”
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, “You cannot do this, I’m a congressman!”
The thief said, “In that case, give me my money!”
* * *As the storm raged, the captain realized his ship was sinking fast. He called out, “Anyone here know how to pray?”
One man stepped forward. “Yes, Captain, I know how to pray.”
“Good,” said the captain, “you pray while the rest of us put on our life jackets– we’re one short.[52]”
* * *Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!” The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
* * *A tourists guide was talking with a group of school kids at a park when one of the kids asked him if he had ever came face-to-face with a wolf.
“Yes, I came face to face with a wolf once. And as luck would have it, I was alone and without a weapon.”
“What did you do?” the little girl asked.
“What could I do? First, I tried looking him straight in the eyes but he slowly came toward me. I moved back, but he kept coming nearer and nearer. I had to think fast.”
“How did you get away?”
“As a last resort,[53] I just turned around and walked quickly to the next cage.”
* * *Two guys were hiking in the mountains when they came across an old mine shaft going straight down into the ground.
“Wow,” said the first guy. “I wonder how deep it is?”
“I don’t know,” said the second.
“Let’s find out.” With that, he dropped a rock down the hole. They waited and waited, but didn’t hear it hit bottom.
“Hmm. Let’s try a bigger rock,” said the first guy, and tossed a watermelon-sized stone down the hole. They waited a couple of minutes, but didn’t hear it hit either. So, they looked around for something bigger to throw down and came across an old railroad tie,[54] which they lifted together and dumped down the hole. Then suddenly, as they waited to hear it hit, a goat streaked between the two of them and jumped straight down.
While they stood there scratching their heads in amazement, a third guy came up the path and asked them if they’d seen a goat.
“Yeah, just now,” said one of the first two guys. “It just ran up and jumped down this hole.”
“Oh, well then it couldn’t have been my goat,” said the third guy. “My goat was tied to an old railroad tie.”
* * *Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.
One lady says, “You know, I’m really getting forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to sleep or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles, “Well, my memory is just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood,[55]” she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”
* * *Tragically, three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the gates of heaven. Before entering, they are each asked a question by St. Peter.
“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?” asks St. Peter.
The first guy says, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say, “Look! He’s moving!”
* * *While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.
“People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears,” one says, “but we have no one to go to with our own problems.”
“Since we’re all professionals,” another suggests, “why don’t we hear each other out right now?”
They agreed this is a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, “I’m a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually over-bill my patients as often as I can.”
The second admits, “I have a drug problem that’s out of control, and I often pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.”
The third psychiatrist says, “I know it’s wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can’t keep a secret.”
* * *A mother brings her five year old son to the doctor’s office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
“So Doctor, what do you think is the matter with my little boy?” she asks.
The doctor replies, “He’s just not eating properly.”
* * *When anyone asked the elderly spinster why she had not married, she answered:
“I have a dog that growls, a parrot that swears, a fireplace that smokes, and a cat that stays out all night. Why should I want a husband?”
* * *“Doctor, Doctor, my little boy just swallowed a roll of film!”
“Hmmmm. Let’s hope nothing develops.[56]”
* * *“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my memory!”
“When did this happen?”
“When did what happen?”
* * *The difference between dogs and cats. A dog thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… They must be gods!” A cat thinks, “Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me… I must be a god!”
* * *A robber was robbing a house when he heard a voice. “Jesus is watching you!” “Who’s there?” The robber said. But no sound was heard. So he kept going and he heard it two more times when he spotted a parrot. “What’s your name?” the robber asked. “Cocodora?” said the parrot. “Now, what kind of idiot would name a bird Cocodora”, said the robber. “The same idiot who named the rotweiler[57] Jesus,” said the parrot.
* * *“Why you are going to marry that police captain?”
“It is against the law, you know, to resist an officer.”
* * *“I hear you are marrying again! But your wife passed away[58] only three weeks ago!”
“I know, but I am not one who holds a grudge long.[59]”
* * *A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it’s his turn to be waited on.
A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today.
The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, “How many pounds?” The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef. He then said, “Anything else?” The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, “How many?” The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse and take out the appropriate amount of money before tying the two packages of meat around the dog’s neck.
The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. The dog walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house where it began to scratch the door to be let in.[60]
As the owner opened the door, the man called to the owner, “That’s a really smart dog you have there.”
“He’s not really all that smart,” the owner replied. “This is the second time this week he forgot his key.”
* * *A duck walks into a general store and asks the manager,“Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. We have only canned and dry goods.”
The next day, the duck returns. “Got any fresh fruit?” “No.” “Got any fresh vegetables?” “No. I told you yesterday, we have only canned and dry goods. If you come back tomorrow and ask me the same question, I’ll nail your flippers to the floor.”
On the 3rd day, the duck walks in and asks, “Got any nails?” “No.” “Got any fresh fruit?”
* * *A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog.[61] All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.[62] The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!”
The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”
* * *“I say, madam, your husband has fallen into the well.”
“Oh, that’s all right. We use the city water now.”
* * *A little turtle begins to climb a tree slowly. After long hours of effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs, until reaches heavily into the ground with a hard knock over his shell. After recovering his consciousness, he starts to climb the tree again, jumps again, and knocks the ground heavily again. The little turtle insisted again and again after each knock, while a couple of birds sitting at the edge of a branch, looking the turtle with pain.. suddenly the female bird says to the male, “Hey dear, I think it’s time to tell our little turtle he is adopted.”
* * *“Why are you standing in front of the mirror with your eyes closed?”
“I want to see what I look like when I’m sleeping.”
* * *A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!
He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers, “why do you ask?”
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