Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
“Well, you’re sure to recover because my last five patients died,” the doctor reassured him.
* * *A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats smelt the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep. However, the bats persisted until finally he gave in.
“OK, follow me,” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly gathered around him.
“Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, yes!” the bats all screamed.
“Good,” said the first bat tiredly, “Because I didn’t!”
* * *A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn’t improve.
Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can’t handle his instrument and doesn’t improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”
A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can’t handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”
* * *Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources[21] person asked a young applicant fresh out of[22] Business School, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
“About £125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.[23]”
“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund[24] to 50 % of salary, and a company car leased every two years– say,[25] a red Corvette?[26]”
The applicant sat up straight and said, “Wow![27] Are you kidding?”
And the interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”
* * *As a senior citizen[28] was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Heck,[29]” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
* * *As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:
– I can’t find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it’s due to drinking.
– In that case, – said the patient, – I’ll come back when you’re sober.
* * *Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
* * *An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by.
– Sailor, do you have change for a pound?
– Sure, buddy, – says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
– That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a pound?
The plebe snaps to attention[30] and barks:
– No, sir!
* * *– My father had two horses that looked so much alike that he measured them so he could tell them apart.
– Did that help?
– It sure did. He found that the white one was 6 inches shorter than the black one.
* * *Man says to God:
“Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?”
God says, “So you would love her.”
“But Lord,” the man says, “why did you make her so stupid?”
God says, “So she would love you.”
* * *A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.
He wrote, “I would like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.
Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.”
* * *– Sir! Did you have a good holiday? Did you go away?
– Yes, I went to France, to Paris.
– Did you have much trouble with your French when you were there?
– No, I didn’t– but the Parisians did.
* * *A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.
“Hold it,[31] hold it,” the fellow said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“Well, we work for the county government,[32]” one of the men said. “But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?”
“You don’t understand, mister,” one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. “Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yea,” piped up Mike. “Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
* * *A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.
The husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”
* * *A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“Hunting flies,” he responded.
“Oh… Killed any?” she asked.
“Yep, three males, two females,” he replied.
Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell?”
He responded, “Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”
* * *A kind old gentleman seeing a small boy who was carrying a lot of newspapers under his arm said:
“Don’t all the newspapers make you tired, my boy?”
“No, I don’t read them,” replied the boy.
* * *An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
“Why a thermos bottle?” the others asked. “Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.”
“Yes – so what?” “Think about it.” said the mystic reverently. “That little bottle – how does it know?”
* * *The general went out to find that none of his GIs[33] were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.[34]
“Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the GI go.
Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.
“Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I’m here.”
The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. “Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…”
“Let me guess,” the general interrupted, “it broke down.”
“No,” said the GI, “there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.”
* * *Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.
Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm[35] in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
“Boss”, he said, “The pill actually worked!”
“That’s all fine”, said the boss. “But where were you yesterday?”
* * *A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.
“I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,” his friend says.
“I’m in the process of quitting,” the guy replies. “Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.”
“And what’s phase one?”
“I’ve quit buying.”
* * *Newly wed wife to her husband:
“That is why I can’t stand you[36] – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don’t like potatoes.”
* * *When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the physiatrist began his therapy session,
“I’m not aware of your problem,” the doctor said. “So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.”
“Of course,” replied the patient. “In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth…”
* * *A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, “PIG!!!”
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, “BITCH!!!”
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…
* * *A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.
The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo.
The man agrees and drives off.
The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again he is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”
The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”
* * *A police officer in a small town stopped a driver who was speeding down Main Street.
“But, officer,” the man began, “I can explain —”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just wanted to say…”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
* * *An elderly man calls his son in London and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I’m sick of her, and I’m sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Manchester and tell her,” and then hangs up.[37]
The son calls his sister, who goes nuts[38] upon hearing the news.
She calls her father and yells, “You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a single thing, do you hear me?”
The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, “It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they’re paying their own way!”
* * *One day an unknown youth asked Mozart to explain to him how to start to compose a symphony.
“You are young,” answered Mozart. “In the beginning write a ballade, and if you like it, come to me.”
“But you! At the age of ten you have composed a lot of music.”
“But I did not ask anybody how to do it.”
* * *A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:
“Da-ad…” “What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?[39]” “No. You had your chance. Lights out![40]”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…” “WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY… Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!”
Five minutes later…
“WHAT?!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?”
* * *John had just got a set of new teeth and went away for a holiday. His wife knowing how easily a set of teeth can be lost if you are bathing in a rough sea, wrote to him saying: “Take care not to wear your new teeth when you are bathing in the sea.”
He wrote back: “Why didn’t you telegraph?”
* * *“When I use a hammer I always hit my thumb with it. What should I do to prevent it?”
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