Сергей Матвеев - Самые лучшие английские анекдоты
“But you just had two weeks off,” said the boss. “Why didn’t you get married then?”
“What and ruin my vacation?” she whined.
* * *A truck driver who had been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He decided to seek compensation for his ailment. Upon his arrival at the workers’ compensation department, he is interviewed by an assessor.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right. All lead.
Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I’m not. I am claiming for lead poisoning.
* * *A boss had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
“I’ve got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you,” he announced. “Will the laziest man please put his hand up.”
Nine hands went up.
“Why didn’t you put your hand up?” he asked the tenth man.
“Too much trouble,” came the reply.
* * *Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. “What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.” Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river (look, my suit’s still damp), ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback[73] by one of the Rockettes.” “You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”
* * *Employer to applicant. “In this job we need someone who is responsible.” Applicant, “I’m the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
* * *Paddy wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test.
Tester: If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: Let’s try this another way. If I give you two bottles of beer, two bottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Paddy: Six.
Tester: Good! Now, if I give you two rabbits, two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!
Tester: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I’ve already got one rabbit at home!
* * *There is a new virus. The code name is WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, via e-mail, or from anyone else, do not touch it under any circumstances.
This virus wipes out your private life completely.
If you should happen to come in contact with this virus, take five friends and go straight to the nearest bar. Order drinks immediately and after three rounds, you will find that WORK has been completely deleted from your system.
Forward this virus warning immediately to at least five friends.
Should you realize you do not have five friends, this means you are already infected by this virus and WORK already controls your life.
If this is the case, go to the bar and stay until you make at least five friends.
I think I have five friends, but am not entirely positive so I’m headed for the bar anyway… it never hurts to be safe.
* * *Some of the most tactful people on Earth are English. One office boss called a secretary in to give her the bad news that she was being fired. He started the conversation with, “Miss Smith, I really don’t know how we’re going to get along without you, but starting Monday, we’re going to try.”
* * *In the beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly He was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied[74] with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why He began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that He just liked to be creative.
Then God said, “Let there be light.” Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that He would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said He would call the light “Day” and the darkness “Night.” Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, “Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed.” The EPA[75] agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, “Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth.” Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation[76] and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said He wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10–12 months before…
At this point God created Hell.
* * *A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else’s sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
* * *Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director’s office. “What is the meaning of this?” the director asked. “When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you’ve ever held.”
“Well,” the young man replied, “in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.”
* * *“I made it all right” small boy was invited to have dinner at the home of a famous professor. When he returned, his mother asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t do anything that was not polite?”
“Why, no, nothing to speak of.”
“But did something happen?”
“Well, while I was trying to cut the meat, it slipped off to the floor. But I made it all right,” said the boy.
“What did you do?”
“Oh, I just said carelessly, ‘That’s always the way[77] with tough meat.’”
* * *A man was having breakfast in an English hotel. He took a drink from his cup and then said to the waiter, “Is this tea or coffee?”
“Can’t you tell the difference, sir, by the taste?”
“No,” said the man. “I can’t.”
“Well,” said the waiter, “if you can’t tell the difference, what does it matter which it is?”
* * *“Now, little boy, stick out your tongue.”
“No, I shan’t. My mother always punishes me when I stick out my tongue at home.”
* * *“Why are you crying, Bobby?”
“I cleaned the bird cage and the bird disappeared.”
“How did you clean it?”
“With a vacuum cleaner.”
* * *“You hammer nails like lightning.”
“Do you mean that I’m fast?”
“No, you never strike twice in the same place.”
* * *ASSISTANT: This machine will do half your work.
CUSTOMER: All right, I’ll take two!
* * *“You must always eat a good breakfast, so you’ll grow up quicker.”
“Not for me. If I grow up faster, I’ll get older sooner, and then I’ll have to die young.”
* * *“I spent ten hours over my history book last night.”
“Ten hours?!”
“Yes, I left it under my bed when I went to sleep last night.”
* * *“I’m not going to school any more.”
“Why?”
“On Monday, the teacher said 4 and 4 is 8. On Tuesday, she said 6 and 2 is 8. Today, she said 7 and 1 is 8. I’m not going back to school again until the teacher makes up her mind.[78]”
* * *“Willie, how do you define ignorance?”
“It’s when you don’t know something and somebody finds it out.”
* * *“If I take a potato and divide it into two parts, then into four parts, and each of the four parts into two parts, what shall I have?”
“Potato salad.”
* * *“And has your baby learned to talk?”
“Oh, yes. We are teaching him to keep quiet now.”
* * *A little girl at a wedding asked, “Mommy, why do brides always wear white?”
“Because they’re happy,” the mom replied.
Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, “Mommy, if brides wear white because they’re happy, then why do grooms wear black?”
* * *“This is the fifth time I have punished you this week. What have you to say?”
“I’m glad it’s Friday, sir.”
* * *“Seven cows are walking along the road in a single file. Which cow can turn around and say, “I see six pairs of horns”?”
“The first cow, of course.”
“Wrong, Bobby, cows cannot talk.”
* * *Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?
Little Johnny: No, I’m little Johnny.
* * *“I can write! I can write!”
“What did you write?”
“How can I know? I can’t read.”
* * *A man in a restaurant noticed that the waiter had brought him a cup of coffee without a spoon.
“This coffee is very hot to stir with my finger,” said the man.
Short time later the waiter came back to the table with another cup of coffee.
“Maybe this isn’t so hot, sir,” he said.
* * *“I don’t understand why I must wash my hands before school?”
“Why not?”
“I never put them up[79] in class.”
* * *“Miss, there is a fly in the bottom of my cup. What does that mean?”
“I don’t know! I’m a waitress – not a fortuneteller!”
* * *MOTHER: If you wanted to go fishing, why didn’t you come and ask me first?
SON: Because I wanted to go fishing.
* * *“What is the surest way to keep milk from souring?[80]”
“Leave it in the cow.”
* * *LADY (seeing tug-of-war[81] for the first time): Wouldn’t it be simpler, dear, for them to get a knife and cut it?
* * *When a young mother was bathing her baby, a neighbour’s little girl came in and watched it. The girl was holding a doll without an arm and a leg.
“How long have you had your baby?” she asked the mother.
“Three months,” answered the mother.
“My, but you’ve kept her nice![82]” exclaimed the little girl.
* * *“What are you doing up in that tree, boy?”
“One of your apples fell down, and I’m trying to put it back.”
* * *“Aren’t ants strange little things? They work and work, and never play.”
“Oh, I don’t know about that. Every time when I go on a picnic, they are always there.”
* * *Teaсher: Can anyone tell me what a fishing-net is made of?
Pupil: It’s made of many little holes tied together with a string.
* * *Man: (to the station-master): when does the next westbound train arrive?
Master: at 3 p. M.
Man: and the next eastbound train?
Master: at 4 p. M.
Man: and the next northbound train?
Master: arrives at 6 p. M.
Man: and the southbound train?
Master: oh, it left two hours ago.
Man: well, i guess it’s safe to cross the tracks now.
* * *“Why is your dog watching me so closely while I eat?”
“Maybe it’s because you are eating out of his plate.”
* * *A school teacher told a class of small pupils the story of the discovery of America by Columbus. After he had finished the story, he said:
“And all this happened more than 400 years ago.”
A little boy, with eyes wide open with wonder, said after a moment’s thought:
“Oh! What a memory you’ve got!”
* * *“I remember when I was young,” the old gentleman said to little Bobby, “I had to fight for my life against sixteen cannibals, and only one ran away.”
“But,” said Bobby, “last year you told me there were eight cannibals.”
“Yes,” said the old gentleman, “but you were too young then to know the whole horrible truth.”
* * *“You are five today. Happy birthday to you!”
“Thank you, Mama.”
“Would you like to have a cake with five candles on it for your birthday party?”
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