Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure
I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about
other people with whom I can check it out. I wonder if someone is honing in on
one of my blind spots, something they see that I do not. Can you try this?»
«That`s not easy, Julius. I feel tight about it.» Rebecca clasped her hand to
her sternum. «Right here.»
«Give that tightness a voice. What`s it saying?»
«It`s saying, вЂHow will I look?` It`s shame. It`s being found out. This
business about people noticing my playing with my hair. Makes me cringe, makes
me want to say, вЂIt`s none of your fucking business—it`s my hair—I`ll do what I
want with it.`”
In his most teacherly voice Julius responded, «Years ago there was a
therapist named Fritz Perls who started a school called gestalt therapy. You don`t
hear much about him nowadays, but, anyway, he did a lot of focusing on the
body—you know, вЂLook what your left hand is doing right now,` or вЂI see you
stroking your beard a lot.` He`d ask patients to exaggerate the movement: вЂKeep
making a tighter fist with your left hand,` or вЂKeep stroking that beard more and
more vigorously and stay aware of what gets evoked.`
«I always felt there was a lot to Perls`s approach because so much of our
unconscious is expressed through body movements that lie out of our own
awareness. But I`ve never made much use of it in therapy. The reason? Exactly
because of what`s happening now, Rebecca. We often get defensive when others
spot us doing things of which we are unaware. So I understand how
uncomfortable you feel, but even so, can you stay with it and try to learn if there`s
something of value in the feedback?»
«In other words, you`re saying вЂbe mature.` I`ll try.» Rebecca sat up
straight, took a breath, and with a determined demeanor began, «First, itis true
that I like attention and that I first came to therapy upset about my aging and
about no longer being stared at by men. So I may have been preening for Philip
but not consciously.» She turned back to the group. «So, mea culpa. I like to be
admired, I like to be loved and adored, I like love.»
«Plato,” Philip interjected, «observed that love is in the one who loves, not
in the one who is loved.»
«Love is in the one who loves not in the one who is loved—That`s a great
quote, Philip,” Rebecca said, flashing a smile. «You see, that`s what I like about
you. Comments just like that. They open my eyes. I find you interesting.
Attractive too.»
Rebecca turned to the group. «Does that mean I want to have an affair with
him? Nope! The last affair I had just about did my marriage in, and I`m not
shopping for trouble.»
«So Philip,” said Tony, «you have feelings about what Rebecca just said?»
«I said before that my goal in life is to will as little as possible and to know
as much as possible. Love, passion, seduction—these are powerful sentiments,
part of our hardwiring to perpetuate our species and, as Rebecca has just made
clear, they may operate unconsciously. But, all in all, these activities serve to
derail reason and interfere with my scholarly pursuits, and I want nothing to do
with them.»
«Every time I ask you something, you give me an answer that`s hard to
argue with. But you never answer my question,” said Tony.
«I think he answered it,” said Rebecca. «He made it clear that he does not
want any emotional involvement, that he wants to stay free and clearheaded. I
think Julius has made the same point—that`s why there`s a taboo against romantic
involvement in the group.»
«What taboo?» Tony addressed Julius. «I never heard that rule said out
loud.»
«I`ve never put it just like that. The only ground rule you heard from me
about relationships outside of the meetings is that there be no secrets and that if
there are any encounters whatsoever outside the group sessions, the members
involved must bring it up in the group. If not, if you keep secrets, it almost always
gums up the work of the group and sabotages your own therapy. That`s my only
rule about outside encounters. But, Rebecca, let`s not lose the thread of what`s
going on between you and Bonnie. Check into your feelings about her.»
«She`s raised some heavy stuff. Is it true I don`t relate to women? I want to
say no. There`s my sister—I`m close to her, sort of—and a couple of other
women attorneys in my office, but, Bonnie, you`re probably putting your finger
on something—there`s definitely more charge, more excitement for me in relating
to men.»
«I`m flashing on college,” said Bonnie, «and how I didn`t have many dates
and how dismissed I felt when some girlfriend thought nothing of canceling out
on me, at the last minute, if she got an invitation from a guy.»
«Yeah, I probably would have done that,” said Rebecca. «You`re right—
men and dating, that was what it was all about. It made some sense then; now it
doesn`t.»
Tony had been continuing to study Philip and approached him again.
«Philip, you know, you`re like Rebecca in some ways. You preen, too, but you do
it with snappy, deep–sounding slogans.»
«I believe your point, «said Philip with eyes closed in deep concentration,
«is that my motivation in voicing observations is not what it seems to be: that it is
instead self–serving, a form of preening in which, if I understand you, I attempt to
evoke Rebecca`s and others` interest and admiration. Is that correct?»
Julius felt on edge. No matter what he did, the focus kept going back to
Philip. At least three conflicting desires fought for his attention: first, to protect
Philip against too much confrontation, second, to prevent Philip`s impersonality
from derailing the intimate discourse, and, third, to cheer Tony on in his efforts to
knock Philip on his ass. But, all in all, he decided to stay on the sidelines for the
time being because the group was handling the situation. In fact, something
important had just happened: for the first time Philip was responding directly,
even personally, to someone.
Tony nodded. «That`s about what I meant, except that it may be more than
just interest or admiration. Try seduction.»
«Yes, that`s a good correction. It`s implied in your wordpreening and thus
you suggest that my motivation parallels Rebecca`s, that is, I wish to seduce her.
Well, that`s a substantial and reasonable hypothesis. Let`s see how to test it.»
Silence. No one responded, but Philip did not appear to be waiting for a
response. After a moment of reflection with his eyes closed he pronounced,
«Perhaps it is best to follow Dr. Hertzfeld`s procedure...”
«Call me Julius.»
«Ah, yes. So, to follow Julius`s procedure, I must first check whether
Tony`s hypothesis is consonant with my inner experience.» Philip paused, shook
his head. «I find no evidence for this. Many years ago I tore myself free from
attachment to public opinion. I firmly believe that the happiest of men are those
who seek for nothing so much as solitude. I speak of the divine Schopenhauer, of
Nietzsche and Kant. Their point, and my point, is that the man of inner wealth
wants nothing from the outside except the negative gift of undisturbed leisure
which permits him to enjoy his wealth—that is, his intellectual faculties.
«In short, then, I conclude that my contributions do not stem from an
attempt to seduce anyone or elevate myself in your eyes. Perhaps there are tatters
of this desire left; I can only say I do not consciously experience it. I do recognize
regret that I myself have only mastered the great thoughts, not contributed to
them.»
In his decades of leading therapy groups Julius had experienced many
silences, but the silence that followed Philip`s response was unlike any other. It
was not the silence accompanying great emotion nor the silence signifying
dependency, embarrassment, or bafflement. No, this silence was different, as
though the group had stumbled upon a new species, a new life–form, perhaps a
six–eyed salamander with feathered wings, and, with utmost caution and
deliberateness, slowly circled it.
Rebecca was the first to respond, «To be so content, to need so little from
others, never to crave the company of others—sounds pretty lonely, Philip.»
«On the contrary,” said Philip, «in the past, when I craved the company of
others, asked for something which they would not, indeed could not, give—
thatwas when I knew loneliness. I knew it very well. To need no person is never
to be lonely. Blessed isolation is what I seek.»
«Yet you`re here,” said Stuart, «and take it from me—this group is the
archenemy of isolation. Why expose yourself to this?»
«Every thinker must support his habit. Either they were fortunate enough to
have had a university stipend like Kant or Hegel or independent means like
Schopenhauer or a day job like Spinoza, who ground lenses for spectacles to
support himself. I have chosen philosophical counseling as my day job, and this
group experience is part of my certification experience.»
«That means, then,” said Stuart, «that you are engaging with us in this
group, but your ultimate goal is to help others never to need such engagement.»
Philip paused and then nodded.
«Let me be sure I got you right,” said Tony. «If Rebecca digs you, comes
on to you, turns on her charm, gives you her amazing killer smile, you`re saying it
has no effect on you? Zero?»
«No, I didn`t say вЂno effect.` I agree with Schopenhauer when he wrote that
beauty is an open letter of recommendation predisposing the heart to favor the
person who presents it. I find that an individual of great beauty is wondrous to
behold. But I`m also saying that someone else`s opinion of me does not, must not,
alter my opinion of myself.»
«Sounds mechanical. Not quite human,” replied Tony.
«What truly felt inhuman was the time when I allowed my estimation of my
value to bob up and down like a cork according to the regard flowing from
inconsequential others.»
Julius stared at Philip`s lips. What a marvel they were. How exactly they
mirrored Philip`s calm composure, how steadfast, how unquavering, as they
shaped each passing word into the same perfect roundness of pitch and tone. And
it was easy to empathize with Tony`s escalating desire to ruffle Philip. But
knowing Tony`s impulsivity might quickly escalate, Julius decided it was time to
steer the discussion into a more benign direction. It was not time to confront
Philip; this was only his fourth meeting.
«Philip, earlier in your comments to Bonnie you said that your aim was to
be helpful to her. And you`ve also given counsel to others here—Gill, Rebecca.
Can you say more about why you do that? It seems to me there is something in
your desire to counsel that goes beyond a day job. After all, there`s no financial
incentive in offering your help to others here.»
«I try always to keep in mind that we are all sentenced to an existence filled
with inescapable misery—an existence which none of us would choose if we
knew the facts ahead of time. In that sense we are all, as Schopenhauer put
it,fellow sufferers, and we stand in need of tolerance and love from our neighbors
in life.»
«Schopenhauer again! Philip, I hear too damn much about Schopenhauer—
whoever he is—and too damn little about you.» Tony spoke calmly, as though
imitating Philip`s measured tone, yet his breathing was shallow and rapid.
Generally, confrontation came easily to Tony; at the time he began therapy
scarcely a week passed without a physical contretemps in a bar, in traffic, at work,
or on the basketball court. Though not a large man, he was fearless in
confrontation; except for one situation—a clash of ideas with an educated
articulate bully, someone exactly like Philip.
Philip gave no sign he intended to respond to Tony. Julius broke the
silence. «Tony, you seem deep in thought. What`s running through your mind?
«I was thinking about what Bonnie said earlier in the meeting about
missing Pam. Me, too. I been missing her today.»
Julius was not surprised. Tony had become accustomed to Pam`s tutelage
and protection. The two of them had had struck up an odd–couple relationship—
the English professor and the tattooed primitive. Using an oblique approach,
Julius said, «Tony, I imagine it`s not easy for you to say, вЂSchopenhauer, whoever
that is.`”
«Well, we`re here to tell the truth,” Tony responded.
«Right on, Tony,” said Gill, «and, I`ll fess up too: I don`t know who
Schopenhauer is.»
«All I know,” noted Stuart, «is that he`s a famous philosopher. German,
pessimistic. Was he nineteenth century?»
«Yes, he died in 1860, in Frankfurt,” said Philip, «and, as for pessimism, I
prefer to think of it asrealism. And, Tony, it may be true I speak of Schopenhauer
overly often, but I have good reason to do so.» Tony seemed shocked that Philip
had addressed him personally. Even so, Philip still made no eye contact. No
longer staring at the ceiling, he looked out the window, as if intrigued by
something in the garden.
Philip continued: «First, to know Schopenhauer is to know me. We are
inseparable, twin–brained. Secondly, he has been my therapist and has offered me
invaluable help. I have internalized him—of course I mean his ideas—as many of
you have done with Dr. Hertzfeld. Wait—I mean Julius.» Philip smiled faintly as
he glanced at Julius—his first moment of levity in the group. «Last, I harbor a
hope that some of Schopenhauer`s sentiments will be of benefit to you as they
have been to me.»
Julius, glancing at his watch, broke the silence that had followed Philip`s
remark. «It`s been a rich meeting, the kind of meeting I hate to bring to an end,
but time`s up today.»
«Rich? What am I missing?» muttered Tony, as he stood and started toward
the door.
20
Foreshad
owings
of
Pessimis
m
_________________________
Thecheerfulness and
buoyancy of our youth are
due partly to the fact
that we are climbing the
hill of life and do not
see death that lies at
the foot of the other
side.
_________________________
Early in their training therapists are taught to focus upon patients` responsibility
for their life dilemmas. Mature therapists never accept at face value their patients`
accounts of mistreatment by others. Instead, therapists understand that to some
extent individuals are cocreators of their social environment and that relationships
are always reciprocal. But what about the relationship between young Arthur
