Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure
afflictions. Bonnie cannot tolerate being unpopular, whereas Rebecca cannot
tolerate beingno longer popular. Both are hostages to the caprice of what others
think. In other words, happiness, for both of them, lies in the hands and heads
ofothers. And for both the solution is the same:the more one has in oneself, the
less one will want from others. ”
In the silence that followed one could almost hear sounds of cerebral
mastication as the group attempted to digest Philip`s words.
«It doesn`t appear that any of you are about to respond to Philip,” said
Julius, «so I want to address an error I think I made a couple of minutes ago.
Bonnie, I shouldn`t have gone along with your segue to Pam. I don`t want a
repeat of last week when your needs were not dealt with. A few minutes ago you
were talking about why the group often overlooked you, and I thought you took a
courageous step by asking everyone why you could not get their interest. But look
what happened then: in the very next breath you switched to Pam`s return to the
group, and, presto, in a couple of minutes, your question to us faded into history.»
«I noticed that, too,” said Stuart. «So, Bonnie, it`s like you arrange for us to
ignore you.»
«That`s good feedback.» Bonnie nodded her head. «Very good. I probably
do that a lot. I`ll do some thinking about that.»
Julius pressed on, «I appreciate the thanks, Bonnie, but I can`t help feeling
you`re doing the same thing now. Aren`t you saying, in effect, вЂthat`s enough
focus on me.` I should have a Bonnie bell here and ring it every time you switch
away from yourself.»
«So what do I do?» Bonnie asked.
«Give us the reason you had no right to request feedback from us,” Julius
suggested.
«I guess I just don`t feel important enough.»
«But is it okay for others here to make this kind of request?»
«Oh, yes.»
«That means that others here are more important than you?»
Bonnie nodded.
«So, Bonnie, try this,” Julius continued, «look around at each of the
members here and answer this question:Who in this group is more important than
you? And why. ” Julius could hear himself purring. He was coasting in familiar
waters. For the first time in a while, certainly since Philip had entered the group,
he knew exactly what he was doing. He had done what the good group therapist
should do: he had translated one of his patient`s central issues into the here–and–now, where it could be explored firsthand. It was always more productive to focus
on the here–and–now than to work on the patient`s reconstructions of an event
from the past or from current outside life.
Swiveling her head to glance briefly at each person in the group, Bonnie
said, «Everyonehere is more important than I am—a lot more important.» Her face
was flushed, her breathing rapid. As much as she craved attention from others, it
was obvious that she now wanted nothing more than invisibility.
«Be specific, Bonnie,” Julius urged. «Whois more important.Why? ”
Bonnie looked around, «Everybody here. You, Julius—look how you`ve
helped everyone. Rebecca is drop–dead gorgeous, a successful lawyer, great kids.
Gill is the CFO of a large hospital—as well as being a hunk. Stuart—well, he`s a
busy doctor, helps children, helps parents; he has success written all over him.
Tony...” Bonnie paused for a moment.
«Welllll? This`ll be interesting.» Tony, dressed as always in blue jeans, a
black T–shirt, and sneakers splattered with paint stains, leaned back in his chair.
«First of all, Tony, you`re you—no posturing, no games, just pure honesty.
And you bad–mouth your profession, but I know you`re no ordinary carpenter;
you`re probably an artist at your work—I see that BMW roadster you scoot
around in. And you`re a hunk, too, I love you in a tight T–shirt. How`s that for
risk?» Bonnie looked around the group circle. «And, who else? Philip—you`ve
got intelligence to burn, you know everything—a teacher, you`re going to be a
therapist, your words fascinate everyone. And Pam? Pam is awesome, a university
professor, a free spirit; she compels attention; she`s been everywhere, knows
everyone, has read everything, stands up to anyone.»
«Reactions, anyone, to Bonnie`s explanation of why she`s less important
than each of you?» Julius`s eyes circled the group.
«Her answer doesn`t make sense to me,” said Gill.
«Can you tell her?» said Julius.
«Sorry, what I mean is—and I don`t want to offend—but Bonnie, your
answer sounds regressive...”
«Regressive?» Bonnie screwed her face up in puzzlement.
«Well, what this group is about is that we`re all just human beings trying to
relate in a human way to one another, and that we check our roles, our degrees,
our money, and our BMW roadsters at the door.»
«Amen,” said Julius.
«Amen,” chimed in Tony, who added, «I`m with Gill, and, just for the
record, I bought that roadster used and it`s put me in hock for the next three
years.»
«And Bonnie,” Gill continued, «in your go–round what you did was focus
exactly on those external things—professions, money, successful kids. None of
those relate to why you are the least important person in this room. I consider you
very important. You`re a key member; you`re engaged with all of us; you`re
warm, giving; you even offered me a place to sleep a couple of weeks ago when I
didn`t want to go home. You keep the group focused; you work hard here.»
Bonnie held her ground. «I`m a drag; my whole life has been about shame
for my alcoholic parents, always lying about my family. Inviting you home, Gill,
was a big event for me—I could never invite kids home, full of fear that my father
would show up drunk. What`s more, my ex–husband was a drunk, my daughter`s
a heroine addict...”
«You`re still evading the point, Bonnie,” said Julius. «You talk of your
past, your daughter, your ex, your family...butyou, where areyou ?»
«Iam these things, a composite of all these things; what else can I be? I`m a
boring pudgy librarian, what I do is to catalog books...I...I don`t know what you
mean. I`m confused, I don`t know where or who I am.» Bonnie began to cry,
pulled out a tissue, blew her nose loudly, closed her eyes, raised both hands and
drew circles in the air, and, between the sobs, muttered, «This is enough for me;
it`s all I can take today.»
Julius shifted into another gear and addressed the entire group. «Let`s take a
look at what`s happened the past several minutes. Who`s got some feelings or
observations?» Having succeeded in moving the group into the here–and–now, he
advanced to the next step. In his view the work in therapy consisted of two
phases: first interaction, often emotional, and second, understanding that
interaction. That`s the way therapy should proceed—an alternating sequence of
evocation of emotions and then understanding. So he now attempted to switch the
group into the second phase by saying, «Let`s back up and take a dispassionate
look at what`s just transpired.»
Stuart was about to describe the sequence of events when Rebecca jumped
in: «I think the important thing was Bonnie giving her reasons for feeling
unimportant and then assuming we would all agree. That`s when she became
confused and cried and said she had had enough—I`ve seen her do that before.»
Tony said, «Yeah, I agree. Bonnie, you do get emotional when you get a lot
of attention. Are you embarrassed by the spotlight?»
Still sobbing, Bonnie said, «I should have been appreciative, but look what
a mess I made of it. And look at how much better others would`ve used this time.»
«The other day,” Julius said, «I had a conversation with a colleague about
one of his patients. He said she had a habit of catching spears thrown at her and
then stabbing herself with them. Maybe I`m being a little loose here, Bonnie, but
that popped in mind when I saw how you take things and punish yourself with
them.»
«I know you`re all feeling impatient with me. I guess I still don`t know how
to use the group.»
«Well, you know what I`m going to say, Bonnie. Exactlywho here was
impatient? Look around the room.» The group could absolutely count on Julius
asking this question. He had never been known to let such a statement go by
without honing in on it and asking for names.
«Well, I think Rebecca wanted me to stop.»
«Whhhattt? Why I...”
«Hold up a minute, Rebecca,” Julius was being unusually directive today.
«Bonnie, what exactly did you see? What cues did you pick up?»
«About Rebecca? Well, she was silent. Didn`t speak a word.»
«I can`t win. I was doing my best to be quiet so you couldn`t accuse me of
taking attention from you. Can`t you recognize a gift?»
Bonnie was about to respond when Julius asked her to continue with her
descriptions of who was bored.
«Well, nothing I can spell out concretely. But you can just tell when people
are bored. I bore myself. Philip wasn`t looking at me, but then he never looks at
anyone. I know the group was waiting to hear from Philip. What he said about
popularity was far more interesting to the group than my whining.»
«Well, I wasn`t bored with you,” replied Tony, «and I didn`t see anyone
else bored either. And what Philip had to say wasnot more interesting; he stays so
much in his head that I don`t get real excited by his comments. I don`t even
remember them.»
«I do,” said Stuart. «Tony, after you commented about how he was always
in the center of things despite saying so little, he said that Bonnie and Rebecca
had a very similar problem. They`re overinvested in the opinions of others:
Rebecca gets too inflated and Bonnie too deflated—it was something like that.»
«You`re being a clicker again,” said Tony, pantomiming holding a camera
and taking pictures.
«Right. Keep me honest. I know, I know—less observations, more feelings.
Well, I agree that Philip is somehow central without having to say much. And it
does feel like breaking the rules to confront Philip about anything.»
«That`s an observation and an opinion, Stuart,” said Julius. «Can you go to
the feelings?»
«Well, I guess I have some envy about Rebecca`s interest in Philip. I felt
that it was odd no one asked Philip how he felt about that—well, that`s not quite a
feeling, is it?»
«Closer,” said Julius. «First cousin to a feeling. Keep going.»
«I feel threatened by Philip. He`s too smart. Also I feel ignored by him.
And don`t like being ignored.»
«Bingo, Stuart, now you`re honing in,” said Julius. «Any questions for
Philip?» Julius labored to keep his tone soft and delicate. His job was to help the
group include, not to threaten and exclude Philip by insisting he perform in a
manner not yet possible. It was for that reason he called upon Stuart rather than
the more confrontative Tony.
«Sure, but it`s hard to ask Philip questions.»
«He`s right here, Stuart.» Another fundamental Julius rule: never allow
members to speak of one another in the third person.
«Well, that`s the issue. It`s hard to talk to him...” Stuart turned to Philip, «I
mean, Philip, it`s hard to talk to you because you never look at me. Like right
now. Why is that?»
«I prefer to keep my own counsel,” said Philip, still gazing toward the
ceiling.
Julius was poised to leap into the discussion if needed, but Stuart stayed
patient.
«I don`t follow.»
«If you ask something of me, I want to search within myself, free of any
distractions, in order to give you my best possible answer.»
«But your not looking at me makes me feel we`re not in contact.»
«But my words must tell you otherwise.»
«How about walking and chewing gum?» interjected Tony.
«Pardon?» Philip, puzzled, turned his head but not his eyes toward Tony.
«Like, how about doing both at the same time—looking at himand giving a
good answer?»
«I prefer to search my own mind. Meeting the gaze of the other distracts me
from searching for the answer the other might wish to hear.»
Silence prevailed while Tony and the others mulled Philip`s response.
Stuart then posed another question: «Well, let me ask you, Philip, all that
discussion about Rebecca`s preening for you—how did that make you feel?»
«You know,” Rebecca`s eyes showed fire, «I amreally beginning to resent
this, Stuart...it`s as though Bonnie`s fantasy has now passed into the books as
gospel.»
Stuart refused to be diverted. «Okay, okay. Delete that question. Philip, I`ll
ask you this: how did you feel about all the discussion about you the last
meeting?»
«The discussion was of great interest, and I am unflaggingly attentive.»
Philip looked at Stuart and continued, «But I have no emotional responses if that`s
your inquiry.»
«None? That doesn`t seem possible,” replied Stuart.
«Before beginning the group I read Julius`s book on group therapy and was
well prepared for the events of these meetings. I expected certain things to
happen: that I would be an object of curiosity, that some would welcome me and
some not, that the established hierarchy of power would be unsettled by my
entrance, that the women might look favorably upon me and the men unfavorably,
that the more central members might resent my appearance while the less
influential ones might be protective of me. Anticipating these things has resulted
in my viewing the events in the group dispassionately.»
Stuart, as Tony before him, was stunned by Philip`s response and lapsed
into silence as he digested Philip`s words.
Julius said, «I`ve a bit of a dilemma...” He waited a moment. «On the one
hand,” he continued, «I feel it`s important to follow up this discussion with Philip,
but I`m also concerned about Rebecca. Where are you, Rebecca? You look
distressed, and I know you`ve been trying to get in.»
«I`m feeling a little bruised today and shut out, ignored. By Bonnie, by
Stuart.»
«Keep going.»
«There`s a lot of negative stuff coming my way—about being self–centered,
not being interested in woman friends, about posturing for Philip. It stings. And I
resent it.»
«I know what that`s like,” said Julius. «I have those same knee–jerk
reactions to criticism. But let me tell you what I`ve learned to do. The real trick is
to think of feedback as a gift, but first you must decide whether it`s accurate. The
way I proceed is to check in with myself and ask whether it clicks with my own
experience of myself. Does any part, even a tad of it, even five percent, ring true?
I try to recall if people in the past had given me this feedback before. I think about
