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Ирвин Ялом - The Schopenhauer Cure

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you couldn`t make even a dent in his problems.` From that moment

on, I had an irresistible impulse to contact Philip and find out what

happened to him, to see if, in some way, I had been useful to him

after all.»

«So that`s how it came about that you called him,” said Pam.

«But how did it come about that he entered the group?»

«You want to pick it up from here, Philip?» said Julius.

«I believe it would be a richer exercise if you continued,”

said Philip with the slightest trace of a smile on his lips.

Julius quickly filled the group in on the subsequent events:

Philip`s appraisal that his therapy had been without value and that

Schopenhauer had been his real therapist, the e–mail invitation to

the lecture, Philip`s request for supervision…

«I don`t get it, Philip,” interrupted Tony. «If you didn`t get

anything from Julius in therapy, then why in hell would you want

his supervision?»

«Julius posed that exact question, several times,” said Philip.

«My answer is that even though he didn`t help me, I could still

appreciate his superior skills. Perhaps I was a recalcitrant, resistive

patient, or perhaps my particular type of problem would not yield

to his particular approach.»

«Okay, got it,” said Tony. «I interrupted you, Julius.»

«I`m about finished. I agreed to become his supervisor with

one condition: that he first spend six months in my therapy group.»

«I don`t think you`ve ever explained why you made that

condition,” said Rebecca.

«I observed the way he related to me and to his students and

told him that his impersonal and uncaring manner would interfere

with his becoming a good therapist. Is that your view of it, Philip?»

«Your precise words to me were: ‘How can you be a

therapist when you don`t know what the fuck is going on between

you and other people?`”

«Bingo,” said Pam.

«Sounds like Julius, all right,” said Bonnie.

«Sounds like Julius when his buttons are being pushed,” said

Stuart. «Were you pushing his buttons?»

«Not intentionally,” replied Philip.

«I`m still not clear, Julius,” said Rebecca. «I understand why

you called Philip, and why you advised him to get group therapy.

But why did you put him in your group or agree to supervise him?

You have plenty on your plate now. Why take on this additional

task?»

«You guys are tough today. That`s the big question and I`m

not sure I can answer it, but it`s got something to do with

redemption and setting things right.»

«I know a lot of this discussion was to fill me in and I

appreciate that, «said Pam. «I have just one more query. You said

Philip twice offered you comfort—or tried to. I still haven`t heard

about the first time.»

«Right, we started toward there but never got to it,” Julius

responded. «I attended one of Philip`s lectures and gradually

understood that he had constructed it specifically to offer me some

help. He discussed at length a passage from a novel in which a

dying man obtained much consolation from reading a passage by

Schopenhauer.»

«Which novel?» asked Pam.

«Buddenbrooks,” replied Julius.

«And it wasn`t helpful? Why not?» asked Bonnie.

«For several reasons. First Philip`s mode of giving me

comfort was very indirect—much like the way he just presented

the passage by Epictetus...”

«Julius,” said Tony, «I`m not being a smart ass, but wouldn`t

it be better to speak directly to Philip—and guess who I learned

this from?»

«Thanks, Tony—you are one hundred percent right.» Julius

turned to face Philip. «Your mode of offering me counsel in the

course of a lecture was off–putting—so indirect and so public. And

so unexpected because we had just spent an hour in private face–to–face talk in which you seemed utterly indifferent to my condition.

That was one thing. And the other was the actual content. I can`t

repeat the passage here—I don`t have your photographic

memory—but essentially it described a dying patriarch having an

epiphany in which the boundaries dissolved between himself and

others. As a result he was comforted by the unity of all life and the

idea that after death he would return to the life force whence he

came and hence retain his connectedness with all living things.

That about right?» Julius looked at Philip, who nodded.

«Well, as I tried to tell you before, Philip, that idea offers me

no comfort—zero. If my own consciousness is extinguished, then

it matters little to me that my life energy or my bodily molecules or

my DNA persists in deep space. And if connectivity is the quest,

then I`d rather do it in person, in the flesh. So»—he turned and

scanned the group and then faced Pam—«that was the first

consolation Philip offered, and the parable in your hands is the

second.»

After a brief silence Julius added, «I`m feeling I`ve been

doing too much talking today. How are you all responding to

what`s been happening so far?»

«I`m interested,” said Rebecca.

«Yeah,” said Bonnie.

«This is some pretty high–level stuff going on,” said Tony,

«but I`m staying with it.»

«I`m aware,” noted Stuart, «of ongoing tension here.»

«Tension between...?» asked Tony.

«Between Pam and Philip, of course.»

«And lots between Julius and Philip,” added Gill, again

taking up Philip`s cause. «I`m wondering, Philip, do you feel

listened to? Do you feel your contributions get the consideration

they merit?»

«It seems to me, that...that...well...” Philip was unusually

tentative but soon regained his characteristic fluency. «Isn`t it

precipitous to dismiss so quickly—”

«Who are you talking to?» asked Tony.

«Right,” answered Philip. «Julius, isn`t it precipitous to

dismiss so quickly a concept that has offered consolation to much

of humanity for millennia? It is Epictetus`s idea, and

Schopenhauer`s as well, that excessive attachment either to

material goods, to other individuals, or even attachment to the

concept of ‘I` is the major source of human suffering. And doesn`t

it follow that such suffering can be ameliorated by avoiding the

attachment? Indeed, these ideas are at the very heart of the

Buddha`s teaching as well.»

«That`s a good point, Philip, and I will take it to heart. What

I hear you saying is that you`re giving me good stuff which I

dismiss out of hand—and that leaves you feeling unvalued.

Right?»

«I said nothing about feeling unvalued.»

«Not out loud. I`m intuiting that—it would be such a human

response. I`ve a hunch if you will look inside you`ll find it there.»

«Pam, you`re rolling your eyes,” said Rebecca. «Is this talk

about attachment reminding you of your meditation retreat in

India? Julius, Philip—both of you missed the postgroup coffee

when Pam described her time at the ashram.»

«Yep, exactly,” said Pam. «I had a bellyful of talk about the

relinquishment of all attachments including the inane idea that we

can sever our attachment to our personal ego. I ended up with

strong feelings that it was all so life–negating. And that parable

Philip handed out—what`s the message? I mean, what kind of

voyage, what kind of life, is it if you are so focused on the

departure that you can`t enjoy your surroundings and can`t enjoy

other people? And that`s what I see in you, Philip.» Pam turned to

address him directly. «Your solution to your problems is a

pseudosolution; it`s no solution at all—it`s something else—it`s a

relinquishment of life. You`re not in life; you don`t really listen to

others, and when I hear you speak I don`t feel I`m listening to a

living, breathing person.»

«Pam,” Gill sprang to Philip`s defense, «talk about

listening—I`m not sureyou do much listening. Did you hear that he

was miserable years ago? That he had overwhelming problems and

impulses? That he did not respond tothree full years of therapy

with Julius? That he did what you just did last month—what any of

us would do—seek another method? That he finally got help from

a different approach—one which is no freakish New Age

pseudosolution? And that now he`s trying to offer something to

Julius by using the approach that helped him?»

The group was silenced by Gill`s outburst. After a few

moments Tony said, «Gill, you are something else today! Sticking

it to my girl Pam—I don`t like that, but, man, I sure do like the

way you`re talking here—hope it rubs off on your home life with

Rose.»

«Philip,” said Rebecca, «I want to apologize for being so

dismissive earlier today. I want to say that I`m changing my mind

about this...story by...by...Epihetus...”

«Epictetus,” said Philip in a softer tone.

«Epictetus, thanks.» Rebecca continued, «The more I think

about it, this whole thing about attachment throws a light on some

of my stuff. I think Iam suffering from excessive attachment—not

to things or possessions but to my looks. All my life I`ve had a free

pass because of a pretty face—got lots of affirmation—prom

queen, homecoming queen, beauty contests—and now that it`s

fading...”

«Fading?» said Bonnie. «Just pass the faded remnants on to

me.»

«Me, too, I`ll trade you anytime and throw in all my

jewelry...and kids, if I had any,” said Pam.

«I appreciate that. I really do. But it`s all relative.» Rebecca

went on, «Iam too attached. Iam my face, and now that it`s become

less, I feelI am less. I`m having a lot of trouble giving up my free

pass.»

«One of Schopenhauer`s formulations that helped me,” said

Philip, «was the idea that relative happiness stems from three

sources: what one is, what one has, and what one represents in the

eyes of others. He urges that we focus only on the first and do not

bank on the second and third—onhaving andour reputation —

because we have no control over those two; they can, and will, be

taken away from us—just as your inevitable aging is taking away

your beauty. In fact, ‘having` has a reverse factor, he said—what

we have often starts to have us.»

«Interesting, Philip. All three parts of that—what you are,

have, and stand for in the eyes of others—hits home for me. I`ve

lived too much of my life for that last part—what others will think

of me. Let me confess another secret: my magic perfume. I`ve

never talked to anyone about this, but ever since I can remember

I`ve daydreamed about manufacturing a perfume called Rebecca

made up of my essence which lingers indefinitely and causes

anyone who inhales it to think of my beauty.»

«Rebecca, you`re taking so many more risks now. I love it,”

said Pam.

«Me too,” said Stuart. «But let me tell you something that`s

never registered before. I like to look at you, but I`m realizing now

that your good looks are a barrier to seeing or knowingyou, maybe

even as much of a barrier as when a woman is ugly or misshapen.»

«Wow, that`s a shocker. Thanks, Stuart.»

«Rebecca, I want you to know,” said Julius, «that I too am

touched by your trusting us with your daydream about the

perfume. It points out what a vicious circle you`ve set up. You

confuse your beauty with your essence. And then what happens, as

Stuart points out, is that others do not relate to your essence but to

your beauty.»

«A vicious circle which leaves me doubting whether there`s

anything there. I`m still struck by your phrase the other week,

Julius, ‘the beautiful empty woman`—that`s me in spades.»

«Except the vicious circle may be breaking down,” said Gill.

«I know I`ve seen more of you—that is, something deeper, in the

last few weeks than in the whole previous year.»

«Yeah, me too,” agreed Tony, «and, I`m being serious now,

I want to say I`m really sorry about counting out money when you

told us about that time in Las Vegas—I acted like a real jerk.»

«Apology noted and accepted,” said Rebecca.

«You`ve gotten a lot of feedback today, Rebecca,” said

Julius. «How`re you feeling about it?»

«I feel great—it`s good. I feel people are treating me

differently.»

«It`s not us,” said Tony, «it`s you. Put real stuff in—get real

stuff out!»

«Put real stuff in—get real stuff out.I like that, Tony,” said

Rebecca. «Hey, you`re getting good at this therapy business;

maybeI should start counting out money. What are your fees?»

Tony smiled broadly. «Since I`m on a roll, let me give you

my guess, Julius, about why you went out of your way to work

with Philip again. Maybe when you first saw Philip years ago you

were closer to that state of mind you told us about last week—you

know, having strong sex desires for other women.»

Julius nodded. «Go on.»

«Well, here`s what I`m wondering: if you had issues similar

to Philip`s—not the same but something in that ballpark—could

that have gotten in the way of your therapy with him?»

Julius sat up straight in his chair. Philip, too, straightened

up. «You are sure catching my attention, Tony. Now I`m beginning

to remember why therapists are hesitant to reveal themselves—I

mean it doesn`t go away—what you reveal comes back to haunt

you again and again.»

«Sorry, Julius, I definitely didn`t mean to put you on the

spot.»

«No, no, it`s okay. I really mean that. I`m not complaining;

maybe I`m just stalling. Your observation is good—maybe it`stoo

good, too close, and I`m resisting a bit.» Julius paused and thought

a moment. «Okay, here`s what comes up for me: I remember that I

was surprised and dismayed that I hadn`t helped Philip. Ishould

have helped him. When we began, I would have taken a big bet

that I would have helped him a lot. I thought I had an inside track

on helping him. I was sure that my own personal experience would

grease the rails of therapy.»

«Maybe,” said Tony. «Maybe that`s why you invited Philip

into this group—give it another try, getting another chance.

Right?»

«You took the words out of my mouth,” said Julius. «I was

just going to say that. This may be the reason why a few months

ago when I was wondering about who I helped and who I didn`t, I

got so fixated on Philip. In fact, when Philip came to mind I began

to lose interest in contacting other patients.

«Hey, look at the time. I hate to bring this meeting to an end,

but we`ve got to stop. Good meeting—I know I`ve got a lot to

think about—Tony, you opened up some things for me. Thanks.»

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