Людмила Ансельм - Короткие пьесы
MIKLE: Which entrance is yours?
ANNA: There on the left!…I’m embarrassed! I’m sorry Mikle!
(Car swerves. Anna falls enough to touch Mikle)
MIKLE: Thanks for keeping me awake (beat)….Here you are…
ANNA (as she gets out): Thanks for the ride…I rather enjoyed part of it…
(Pause)
MIKLE I (confidently): Anyhow… I’ll pick you up tomorrow!
THE END
UNEXPECTED PROBLEM
MIKE – a man of 65 years old
BOB – a friend of Mike, 70 years old.
(Mike, very excited, rushes into Bob’s place. It’s a late evening. Mike has come to share his problem with his friend)
BOB: Mike, what’s up? What’s happened?
MIKE: I’ve have a problem.
BOB: Well, I’m all ears…
MIKE: What’re you drinking? Pour it out for me, please.
BOB: It’s whisky. With water or neat?
MIKE: Neat.
BOB: To our friendship. (They click glasses and drink). I’m listening, keep to the point.
MIKE: My wife refuses to sleep with me.
BOB: Big deal! It’s not a problem at our age. Sleep alone.
MIKE: This is not the point. She refuses to have sex with me.
BOB: She is your lawful wife. She has no right. Insist.
MIKE: But, if she doesn’t want… I can’t rape her.
BOB: How does she explain her refusal?
MIKE: She liked it once, but not now. What l do?
BOB: Well.. May be you’ve hurt her?
MIKE: There was nothing of this kind. We didn’t argue.
BOB: You could’ve said something insulting.
MIKE: I said nothing.
BOB: Nothing while having sex?
MIKE: I usually do this in silence.
BOB: And what about her?
MIKE: She usually says something, but I don’t listen.
BOB: You’ve to listen and say something in return.
MIKE: What do I have to say?
BOB: For instance: how you do like it, how you love her, what beautiful boobs she has.
MIKE: Who’s taught you?
BOB: My own experience.
MIKE: As far as I know, you got divorced from your wife five years ago.
BOB: But my chicks… You don’t take them into consideration… Well, did you try anything to do?
MIKE: What should I do?
BOB: To persuade, to talk her into it…
MIKE: I’ve already tried.
BOB: What was her reaction?
MIKE: No result.
BOB: You see women… They need emotions.
MIKE: What kind of emotions?
BOB: Jealousy. All kind of feelings… Well, you know what I’d do in your place? I’d say her: «OK…you refuse having sex with me, so don’t mind if I find another woman to have sex with».
MIKE: Do you mean to look for a woman in the street? I’m over that age for this.
BOB: Why in the street? Your neighbor in the apartment opposite yours will perfectly do… Did you see her figure? Boobs, hips, and the rest…
MIKE: She is not my kind. She’s prostitute
BOB: Why?
MIKE: All kind of men from the street visit her.
BOB: It’s wonderful
MIKE: It’s dangerous.
BOB: Let me see… (a pause) You know, every woman needs attention, gifts. Did you try to give her any presents?
MIKE: Once I gave her flowers… She threw them in my face and said that she knew what that besom was for.
BOB: You have to be more creative.
MIKE: How?
BOB: Remember your first encounter… The way you strove to win her…
MIKE: Everything happened without any efforts…
BOB: How did you meet?
MIKE: So well… I enter the cafe near my house. Take a seat… Notice a young girl in the corner. She looked very sad. I feel my first feeling for her – pity. Decided to get acquainted with her. Come up to her and ask: «Hi, where’d you get so tanned?» She isn’t tanned at all. She looks up at me: «Are you kidding?» I say: «Yes, I’m. kidding» I say. We got into conversation. I invited her to my place. Then we got marred.
BOB: When did you spent your honeymoon?
MIKE: We were young and decided to spend a week in the tent on the band of the lake…
BOB: I have another honey moon, not in the rent.
MIKE: Bob, do you have vodka?
BOB: Yes.
MIKE: Let’s have one. It’s clean my throat. (They drink vodka). What about you’d honey moon?
BOB: It was in Caribbean or somewhere else I’d hire a room in the hotel with a view of the sea and invited her to the restaurant in the evening. Imagine candles, red vine and the waves of the ocean behind the windows…
MIKE: But I have no money for this kind of vacation.
BOB: Borrow from somebody.
MIKE: How’d I give it back? I’m on a pension.
BOB: So, you’re on a pension, doing nothing, and Helena works hard all day long. Comes home tired and cooks a meal for you. I’d have not only had sex with you but I’d have divorced from you. How do help her?
MIKE: Keep order in the house. Sometimes do shopping…
BOB: Can you cook anything?
MIKE: I can fry potatoes.
BOB: So, do this. She comes from work, you meet her with fried potatoes, there’s a candle on the table, glasses with wine, fruits, napkins. The house’s cozy and nice. Don’t ever bother her in the evening. Let her think that you were waiting for her not for sex, but because you love her…
MIKE: Bob, I really love her.. And…
BOB: You love her? It’s a different matter. You have to show her your love…
MIKE: How?
BOB: You have to be patient for sex, and eventually you’ll be awarded. She’ll appreciate your efforts and come back to you.
MIKE: While I’ll be patient she’ll find somebody else…
BOB: Well… Please, explain to me how it all happens between you two?
MIKE: What happens?
BOB: I mean sex…
MIKE: As usual… Once in a week we go to bed, cover ourselves with blanket and…
BOB: I we’d details. How long does it last?
MIKE: Ten, fifteen minutes,,
BOB: Then?
MIKE: Then? I usually fall asleep… It works like sleeping peels.
BOB: Do you know that for a really valuable sex you need a prelude.
MIKE: What kind of prelude you’re talking about?
BOB: Say, in the beginning you’re supposed to kiss her lips, then behind her ear… whisper something affectionate. Then…
MIKE: It’s the first time in my life I hear about the prelude.
BOB: How long you’ve been married?
MIKE: It’ll be twenty five soon.
BOB: Oh my! Your silver wedding’s approaching, but you’re still arguing I mean, all twenty five years everything’s been OK…
MIKE: Yes, everything was OK… And suddenly (pause) What about you? How’d you meet your ex-wife?
BOB: When I first saw her in the street, I followed her… I got only one thought in my head, one desire…
MIKE: Sex?
BOB: She was carrying heavy bags. I helped her. Led hero her house. At the door of her apartment we got into conversation, became acquainted. Appointed a date in the cafe she didn’t come. In early lost my mind. Started making scenes.
MAKE: Namely?
BOB: There was a tree growing opposite her window… I climbed the tree, threw a bucket of flowers into her open window with the note that said: «I love you. Come to the cafe». In this way I opened my heart to her. Then I invited her to expensive restaurants, bought presents. This lasted about six months. We went on the vacation, and there, at nights, under the light of the moon and stars, all that happened, and I proposed to her.
MIKE: What about the honeymoon?
BOB: Sure, after the wedding we went away for two weeks and spent the honey moon in Tailand. I’d been dreaming about visiting it for a long time.
MIKE: Did Valentina also dream about it?
BOB: Don’t know. By the way, it didn’t matter by then.
MIKE: Why did you divorced from her eventually?
BOB: I understood that I’d make a mistake… Constant quarrels, jealousy… I got tired, I think, if she’d come to the cafe for the first time, I’d have never married her.
MIKE: Yelena and I’ve never quarreled. She informed me that she did not want to have sex with me quit calmly, without making any scenes. It was so unexpected.
BOB: You, pal, bored her with your dull sex. You don’t have any fantasy.
MIKE: Could you advise me what to do?
BOB: It’s very hard case… Women are very different. Some of them should be taken by power…
MIKE: How come taken by power? It doesn’t suit me…
BOB: I guessed she needs in jealousy… Did you have sex with other women but Yelena?
MIKE: No…
BOB: And did Helena have anybody but you?
MIKE: There was somebody. I met her on the next day after that guy left her. She had such lost and miserable expression on her face. May be she’s waited for him in the cafe and still hoping that he’d come back.
BOB: By the way, when did she tell you that she didn’t want to have sex with you?
MIKE: Two or three weeks ago. Does it matter?
BOB: Yes, A very hard case…What did you say to her after this?
MIKE: I didn’t say anything. I thought that it is a joke.
BOB: But now, when you know it’s not a joke… You probably need conflict…
MIKE: Why?
BOB: You need a real quarrel. It’s helps you to understand your problems. To put everything in its place after the quarrel.
MIKE: What kind of conflict?
BOB: You may bang the door, yell, threaten her that you’ll leave and never come. Make her cry, then apologize. Open your heart to her, kneel in front of her, and so on, and so on…
MIKE: I don’t like any quarrels. That’s not for me…
BOB: It’s up to you. (Pause) By the way. Forgot to tell you. I’ve recently seen Yelena in the street, she looked beautifully, young. I came up to her, helped her to carry heavy bags…
MIKE: What then?
BOB: She thanked me for help…
MIKE: And what’d you say?
BOB: Said, that the bags were heavy…
MIKE: And what’s she say?
BOB: Agreed… The. I asked her why her husband didn’t help her…
MIKE (nervously): And she?
BOB: Said: «He’s not a husband – he’s real pig… I don’t need such an pig».
MIKE: So… When did this happen?
BOB: Don’t remember exactly
MIKE: Approximately…
BOB: May be two or three weeks ago..
MIKE (runs quickly to the door): I’ll show her «»a pig»! She’ll answer for «the pig»!
BOB: Mike, stop! We haven’t yet solved your problem…
(Bob smiles rubbing his hands with satisfaction)
MIKE (runs back): Dare not speak to my wife again! If you come up to her one more, I’ll kill you!
(MIKE run away)
BOB: Good job, Bob! Now you can drink.
THE END
DECLARATION OF LOVE
ANNA – a woman, about 40 years.
PETER – her husband, a man the same age.
PLACE: American apartment.
Scene.Anna’s apartment. Piles of clothes on the floor.
Enter Peter.
PETER: Can I come in, Anna?
ANNA: Why didn’t you call, Peter?
PETER: It’s not a telephone conversation. Can I…
ANNA: Peter, you’re here, come in.
PETER: I’ve come to talk…you know what I mean.
ANNA: Come on in, and let’s talk… I’m spring cleaning. Careful!
PETER: Want me to take my shoes off?
ANNA: No. Men in socks looks silly. You walk around piles of clothes on the floor. Step on the rugs. Here, then over here, and here; now sit on the sofa. Relax.
Peter sits on the sofa.
PETER: I finally want… to talk about our devorce papers…
ANNA: I knew you will come today…
PETER: Why?
ANNA: I saw you in my dream last night… You go along the beach swinging your arms, and I steal along behind you, it was so funny…
PETER: So me at the beach, what’s funny?
ANNA: I’m not done. A friend of mine follows you swinging his arms just like you: he is mocking you…. And I follow both of you… can’t help laughing…. I hide when you look round. You seem to be looking for me and don’t pay any attention to my friend.
PETER: What’s his name… your friend?
