Anthony Trollope - Autobiography of Anthony Trollope
of our number who in turn was required to remain in the place all
night. Hither one or two of us would adjourn after lunch, and
play ecarte for an hour or two. I do not know whether such ways
are possible now in our public offices. And here we used to have
suppers and card-parties at night--great symposiums, with much
smoking of tobacco; for in our part of the building there lived a
whole bevy of clerks. These were gentlemen whose duty it then was
to make up and receive the foreign mails. I do not remember that
they worked later or earlier than the other sorting-clerks; but
there was supposed to be something special in foreign letters,
which required that the men who handled them should have minds
undistracted by the outer world. Their salaries, too, were higher
than those of their more homely brethren; and they paid nothing
for their lodgings. Consequently there was a somewhat fast set in
those apartments, given to cards and to tobacco, who drank spirits
and water in preference to tea. I was not one of them, but was a
good deal with them.
I do not know that I should interest my readers by saying much of
my Post Office experiences in those days. I was always on the eve
of being dismissed, and yet was always striving to show how good a
public servant I could become, if only a chance were given me. But
the chance went the wrong way. On one occasion, in the performance
of my duty, I had to put a private letter containing bank-notes on
the secretary's table,--which letter I had duly opened, as it was
not marked private. The letter was seen by the Colonel, but had
not been moved by him when he left the room. On his return it was
gone. In the meantime I had returned to the room, again in the
performance of some duty. When the letter was missed I was sent
for, and there I found the Colonel much moved about his letter, and
a certain chief clerk, who, with a long face, was making suggestions
as to the probable fate of the money. "The letter has been taken,"
said the Colonel, turning to me angrily, "and, by G----! there has
been nobody in the room but you and I." As he spoke, he thundered
his fist down upon the table. "Then," said I, "by G----! you have
taken it." And I also thundered my fist down;--but, accidentally,
not upon the table. There was there a standing movable desk, at
which, I presume, it was the Colonel's habit to write, and on this
movable desk was a large bottle full of ink. My fist unfortunately
came on the desk, and the ink at once flew up, covering the Colonel's
face and shirt-front. Then it was a sight to see that senior clerk,
as he seized a quite of blotting-paper, and rushed to the aid of his
superior officer, striving to mop up the ink; and a sight also to
see the Colonel, in his agony, hit right out through the blotting-paper
at that senior clerk's unoffending stomach. At that moment there
came in the Colonel's private secretary, with the letter and the
money, and I was desired to go back to my own room. This was an
incident not much in my favour, though I do not know that it did
me special harm.
I was always in trouble. A young woman down in the country had
taken it into her head that she would like to marry me,--and a very
foolish young woman she must have been to entertain such a wish.
I need not tell that part of the story more at length, otherwise
than by protesting that no young man in such a position was ever
much less to blame than I had been in this. The invitation had
come from her, and I had lacked the pluck to give it a decided
negative; but I had left the house within half an hour, going away
without my dinner, and had never returned to it. Then there was a
correspondence,--if that can be called a correspondence in which
all the letters came from one side. At last the mother appeared at
the Post Office. My hair almost stands on my head now as I remember
the figure of the woman walking into the big room in which I sat
with six or seven other clerks, having a large basket on her arm and
an immense bonnet on her head. The messenger had vainly endeavoured
to persuade her to remain in the ante-room. She followed the man
in, and walking up the centre of the room, addressed me in a loud
voice: "Anthony Trollope, when are you going to marry my daughter?"
We have all had our worst moments, and that was one of my worst. I
lived through it, however, and did not marry the young lady. These
little incidents were all against me in the office.
And then a certain other phase of my private life crept into official
view, and did me a damage. As I shall explain just now, I rarely
at this time had any money wherewith to pay my bills. In this state
of things a certain tailor had taken from me an acceptance for, I
think, (pounds)12, which found its way into the hands of a money-lender.
With that man, who lived in a little street near Mecklenburgh Square,
I formed a most heart-rending but a most intimate acquaintance.
In cash I once received from him (pounds)4. For that and for the original
amount of the tailor's bill, which grew monstrously under repeated
renewals, I paid ultimately something over (pounds)200. That is so common
a story as to be hardly worth the telling; but the peculiarity of
this man was that he became so attached to me as to visit me every
day at my office. For a long period he found it to be worth his
while to walk up those stone steps daily, and come and stand behind
my chair, whispering to me always the same words: "Now I wish you
would be punctual. If you only would be punctual, I should like
you to have anything you want." He was a little, clean, old man,
who always wore a high starched white cravat inside of which he
had a habit of twisting his chin as he uttered his caution. When I
remember the constant persistency of his visits, I cannot but feel
that he was paid very badly for his time and trouble. Those visits
were very terrible, and can have hardly been of service to me in
the office.
Of one other misfortune which happened to me in those days I must
tell the tale. A junior clerk in the secretary's office was always
told off to sleep upon the premises, and he was supposed to be the
presiding genius of the establishment when the other members of
the Secretary's department had left the building. On an occasion
when I was still little more than a lad,--perhaps one-and-twenty
years old,--I was filling this responsible position. At about seven
in the evening word was brought to me that the Queen of,--I think
Saxony, but I am sure it was a Queen,--wanted to see the night
mails sent out. At this time, when there were many mail-coaches,
this was a show, and august visitors would sometimes come to see
it. But preparation was generally made beforehand, and some pundit
of the office would be at hand to do the honours. On this occasion
we were taken by surprise, and there was no pundit. I therefore
gave the orders, and accompanied her Majesty around the building,
walking backwards, as I conceived to be proper, and often in great
peril as I did so, up and down the stairs. I was, however, quite
satisfied with my own manner of performing an unaccustomed and most
important duty. There were two old gentlemen with her Majesty, who,
no doubt, were German barons, and an ancient baroness also. They
had come and, when they had seen the sights, took their departure
in two glass coaches. As they were preparing to go, I saw the two
barons consulting together in deep whispers, and then as the result
of that conversation one of them handed me a half-a-crown! That
also was a bad moment.
I came up to town, as I said before, purporting to live a jolly
life upon (pounds)90 per annum. I remained seven years in the General Post
Office, and when I left it my income was (pounds)140. During the whole
of this time I was hopelessly in debt. There were two intervals,
amounting together to nearly two years, in which I lived with
my mother, and therefore lived in comfort,--but even then I was
overwhelmed with debt. She paid much for me,--paid all that I
asked her to pay, and all that she could find out that I owed. But
who in such a condition ever tells all and makes a clean breast of
it? The debts, of course, were not large, but I cannot think now
how I could have lived, and sometimes have enjoyed life, with such
a burden of duns as I endured. Sheriff's officers with uncanny
documents, of which I never understood anything, were common
attendants on me. And yet I do not remember that I was ever locked
up, though I think I was twice a prisoner. In such emergencies some
one paid for me. And now, looking back at it, I have to ask myself
whether my youth was very wicked. I did no good in it; but was there
fair ground for expecting good from me? When I reached London no
mode of life was prepared for me,--no advice even given to me. I
went into lodgings, and then had to dispose of my time. I belonged
to no club, and knew very few friends who would receive me into
their houses. In such a condition of life a young man should no
doubt go home after his work, and spend the long hours of the evening
in reading good books and drinking tea. A lad brought up by strict
parents, and without having had even a view of gayer things, might
perhaps do so. I had passed all my life at public schools, where I
had seen gay things, but had never enjoyed them. Towards the good
books and tea no training had been given me. There was no house in
which I could habitually see a lady's face and hear a lady's voice.
No allurement to decent respectability came in my way. It seems to
me that in such circumstances the temptations of loose life will
almost certainly prevail with a young man. Of course if the mind be
strong enough, and the general stuff knitted together of sufficiently
stern material, the temptations will not prevail. But such minds
and such material are, I think, uncommon. The temptation at any
rate prevailed with me.
I wonder how many young men fall utterly to pieces from being turned
loose into London after the same fashion. Mine was, I think, of
all phases of such life the most dangerous. The lad who is sent
to mechanical work has longer hours, during which he is kept from
danger, and has not generally been taught in his boyhood to anticipate
pleasure. He looks for hard work and grinding circumstances.
