Eoin Colfer - Artemis Fowl. The Opal Deception
‘Before one of the most decorated officers in the LEP suddenly decided to go crazy and shoot her own commander?’
‘Yes. Before that.’
Mulch looked Verbil straight in his green face. ‘You don’t believe that, do you?’
Chix hovered even higher for a long moment, his wings whipping the air into currents. Then he settled back down to earth, sitting in the room’s second chair. ‘No. I don’t believe it. Not for a second. Julius Root was like a father to Holly, to all of us.’
Chix covered his face with his hands, afraid to hear the answer to his next question.
‘So, Diggums. Why are you here?’
Mulch leaned in close. ‘Is this being recorded?’
‘Of course. Standard operating procedure.’
‘Can you switch off the mike?’
‘I suppose. Why should I?’
‘Because I’m going to tell you something important to the People’s survival. But I’ll only tell you if the mikes are off.’
Chix’s wings began to flap once more. ‘This better be really good. I better really like this, dwarf.’
Mulch shrugged. ‘Oh, you’re not going to like it. But it is really good.’
Chix’s green fingers tapped a code into a keyboard on the table. ‘OK, Diggums. We can talk freely.’
Mulch leaned forward across the desk. ‘The thing is, Opal Koboi is back.’
Chix did not respond verbally, but the colour drained from his face. Instead of its usual robust emerald, the sprite’s complexion was now pasty lime-green.
‘Opal has escaped, somehow, and she has set this big revenge thing in motion.
First General Scalene, then Commander Root, and now Holly and Artemis Fowl.’
‘O-Opal?’ stammered Chix, his wounded wing suddenly throbbing.
‘She’s taking out anyone who had a hand in her imprisonment. Which, if memory serves me correctly, includes you.’
‘I didn’t do anything,’ squeaked Verbil, as though protesting his innocence to Mulch could help him.
Mulch sat back. ‘Hey, there’s no point telling me. I’m not out to get you. If I remember correctly, you were on all the chat shows, spouting how you personally were the first member of the LEP to come into contact with the goblin smugglers.’
‘Maybe she didn’t see that,’ said Chix hopefully. ‘She was in a coma.’
‘I’m sure someone taped it for her.’
Verbil thought about it, absently grooming his wings.
‘So what do you want from me?’
‘I need you to get a message to Foaly. Tell him what I said about Opal.’ Mulch covered his mouth with a hand to fox any lip-readers who might review the tape. ‘And I want the LEP shuttle. I know where it’s parked. I just need the starter chip and the ignition code.’
‘What? Ridiculous! I’d go to jail.’
Mulch shook his head. ‘No, no. Without sound, all Police Plaza are going to see is another ingenious Mulch Diggums escape. I knock you out, steal your chip and tunnel out through the pipe behind that water dispenser.’
Chix frowned. ‘Go back to the “knock me out” part again.’
Mulch slammed one palm down on the table. ‘Listen, Verbil, Holly is in mortal danger right now. She may already be dead.’
‘That’s what I heard,’ interjected Chix.
‘Well, she will definitely be dead if I don’t get down there right now.’
‘Why don’t I just call this in?’
Mulch sighed dramatically. ‘Because, moron, by the time Police Plaza Retrieval team get here, it will be too late. You know the rules: no LEP officer can act on the information of a convicted felon, unless that information has been verified by another source.’
‘No one pays any attention to that rule, and calling me “moron” isn’t helping.’
Mulch rose to his feet. ‘You are a sprite, for heaven’s sake. You are supposed to have this ancient code of chivalry. A female saved your life, and now hers is in danger.
You are honour bound, as a sprite, to do whatever it takes.’
Chix held Mulch’s gaze. ‘Is all of this true? Tell me, Mulch, because this will have repercussions. This isn’t some little jewellery heist?’
‘It’s true,’ said Mulch. ‘You have my word.’
Chix almost laughed. ‘Oh, whoopee. Mulch Diggums’s word. I can take that to the bank.’ He took several deep breaths and closed his eyes. ‘The chip is in my pocket. The code is written on the tab. Try not to break anything.’
‘Don’t worry, I’m an excellent driver.’
Chix winced in anticipation. ‘I don’t mean the shuttle, stupid. I mean my face. The ladies like me the way I am.’
Mulch drew back one gnarled fist.
‘Well, I’d hate to disappoint the ladies,’ he said and knocked Chix Verbil from his chair.
Mulch expertly rifled Chix’s pockets. The sprite was not actually unconscious, but he was pretending. A wise move. In seconds Mulch had removed the starter chip and stuffed it into his beard. A clump of beard hair wrapped itself tightly around the chip, forming a waterproof cocoon. He also relieved Verbil of his Neutrino, though this was not part of the deal. Mulch crossed the room in two strides, jamming a chair under the door handle. That should buy him a couple of seconds. He wrapped one arm around the water dispenser, simultaneously unbuttoning his bum-flap. Speed was vital now because whoever had been watching the interview through the two-way mirror was already hammering on the door. Mulch saw a black dot appear on the door; they were burning their way in.
He ripped the dispenser from the wall, allowing several gallons of cooled water to flood the interview room.
‘Oh, for heaven’s sake,’ moaned Chix from the floor. ‘It takes forever to dry these wings.’
‘Shut up. You’re supposed to be unconscious.’
As soon as the water had drained from the supply pipe, Mulch dived in. He followed it to the first joint, then kicked it loose. Clumps of clay fell through, blocking the pipe. Mulch unhinged his jaw. He was back in the earth. No one could catch him now.
The shuttle bay was on the lower level, closest to the chute itself. Mulch angled himself downwards, guided by his infallible dwarf’s internal compass. He had been in this terminal before, and the layout was burned into his memory, as was the layout of every building he’d ever been in. Sixty seconds of chewing earth, stripping it of minerals and ejecting waste at the other end brought Mulch face to face with an air duct. This particular duct led straight to the shuttle bay; the dwarf could even feel the vibration of the engines through his beard hair.
Generally, he would burn through the duct’s metal panelling with a few drops of dwarf rock polish, but prison guards tended to confiscate items like that, so instead
Mulch blasted a panel with a concentrated burst from the stolen handgun. The panel melted like a sheet of ice in front of a bar heater. He gave the molten metal a minute to solidify and cool, then slithered into the duct. Two left turns later, his face was pressed to the grille overlooking the shuttle bay itself. Red alarm lights were revolving over every door, and a harsh klaxon made sure that everyone knew there was some sort of emergency. The shuttle-bay workers were gathered in front of the intranet screen, waiting for news.
Mulch dropped to the ground with more grace than his frame suggested was possible, creeping across to the LEP shuttle. The shuttle was suspended nose up over a vertical supply tunnel. Mulch crept aboard, opening the passenger door with Chix Verbil’s chip. The controls were hugely complicated, but Mulch had a theory about vehicle controls: Ignore everything except the wheel and the pedals, and you’ll be fine.
So far in his career he had stolen over fifty types of transportation, and his theory hadn’t let him down yet.
The dwarf thrust the starter chip into its socket, ignoring the computer’s advice that he run a systems check, and hit the release button. Eight tonnes of LEP shuttle dropped like a stone into the chute, spinning like an ice skater. The Earth’s gravity grabbed hold of it, reeling it in towards the Earth’s core.
Mulch’s foot jabbed the thruster pedal, just enough to halt the drop. The radio on the dash started talking to him.
‘You in the shuttle. You better come back here right now. I’m not kidding! In twenty seconds I personally am going to press the self-destruct.’
Mulch spat a wad of dwarf spittle on to the speaker, muffling the irate voice. He gargled up another wad in his throat, then deposited it on a circuit box below the radio.
The circuits sparked and fizzled. So much for the self-destruct.
The controls were a bit heavier than Mulch was used to. Nevertheless he managed to tame the machine after a few scrapes along the chute wall. If the LEP ever recovered the craft, it would need a fresh coat of paint, and perhaps a new starboard fender.
A bolt of sizzling laser energy flashed past the porthole. That was his warning shot. One across the bows before they let the computer do the aiming. Time to be gone.
Mulch kicked off his boots, wrapped his double-jointed toes around the pedals and sped down the chute towards the rendezvous point.
Butler parked the Bentley fifteen miles north-east of Tara, near a cluster of rocks shaped like a clenched fist. The rock forming the index finger was hollow, just as Mulch had told him it would be. The dwarf had, however, neglected to mention that the opening would be cluttered with crisp bags and chewing gum patties left over from a thousand teenagers’ picnics. Butler picked his way through the rubbish, to discover two boys huddled at the rear, smoking secret cigarettes. A Labrador pup was asleep at their feet. Obviously, these two had volunteered to walk the dog so that they could sneak some cigarettes. Butler did not like smoking.
The boys looked up at the enormous figure looming over them, jaded teenage expressions freezing on their faces.
Butler pointed at the cigarettes. ‘Those things will seriously damage your health,’ he growled. ‘And if they don’t, I might.’
The teenagers stubbed out their cigarettes and scurried from the cave, which was exactly what Butler wanted them to do. He pushed aside a wizened scrub cluster at the rear of the cave to discover a mud wall.
‘Punch right through the mud,’ Mulch had told him. ‘Generally, I eat through and patch it up afterwards, but you might not want to do that.’
Butler jabbed four rigid fingers at the centre of the mud wall where cracks were beginning to spread and, sure enough, the wall was only a few centimetres thick and crumbled easily under the pressure. The bodyguard pulled away chunks until there was sufficient space to squeeze through to the tunnel beyond.
To say there was sufficient space is perhaps a slight exaggeration; barely enough is probably more accurate. Butler’s bulky frame was compressed on all sides by uneven walls of black clay. Occasionally a jagged rock poked through, tearing a gash in his designer suit. That was two suits ruined in as many days, one in Munich and now the second, below ground in Ireland. Still, suits were the least of his worries. If Mulch were right, then Artemis was running around the Lower Elements right now with a group of bloodthirsty trolls on his trail. Butler had fought a troll once, and the battle had very nearly killed him. He couldn’t even imagine fighting an entire group.
Butler dug his fingers into the earth, pulling himself forward through the tunnel.
This particular tunnel, Mulch had informed him, was one of many illicit back doors into the Lower Elements chute system, chewed out by fugitive dwarfs over the centuries.
Mulch himself had excavated this one almost three hundred years ago, when he had needed to sneak back to Haven for his cousin’s birthday bash. Butler tried not to think about the dwarf’s recycling process as he went.
After several metres, the tunnel widened into a bulb-shaped chamber. The walls glowed a gentle green. Mulch had explained that too. The walls were coated with dwarf spittle, which hardened on prolonged contact with air and also glowed. Amazing.
Drinking pores, living hairs and now luminous saliva. What next? Explosive phlegm? He wouldn’t be a bit surprised. Who knew what secrets the dwarfs were hiding up their sleeves? Or in other places.
Butler kicked aside a pile of rabbit bones, the remains of previous dwarf snacks, and sat down to wait.
He checked the luminous face of his Omega wristwatch. He had dropped Mulch at Tara almost thirty minutes ago; the little man should be here by now. The bodyguard would have paced the chamber, but there was barely enough room for him to stand up, never mind pace. Butler crossed his legs, settling down for a power nap. He hadn’t slept since the missile attack in Germany, and he wasn’t as young as he used to be. His heartbeat and breathing slowed until eventually his chest barely moved at all.
Eight minutes later, the small chamber began to shake violently. Chunks of brittle spittle cracked from the wall, shattering on the floor. The ground beneath his feet glowed red, and a stream of insects and worms flowed away from the hot spot. Butler stood to one side, calmly brushing himself down. Moments later, a cylindrical section of earth dropped cleanly out of the floor, leaving a steaming hole.
Mulch’s voice drifted through the hole, borne on the waves of the stolen shuttle’s amplification system. ‘Let’s go, Mud Man. Move yourself. We have people to save, and the LEP is on my tail.’
On Mulch Diggums’s tail, thought Butler, shuddering. Not a nice place to be.
Nevertheless, the bodyguard lowered himself into the hole and through the open roof hatch of the hovering LEP shuttle. Police shuttles were cramped, even for fairies, but Butler could not even sit up straight in a chair, even if there had been one wide enough for him. He had to content himself with kneeling behind the command seat.
‘All set?’ he enquired.
Mulch picked a beetle from Butler’s shoulder. He shoved it into his beard, where the unfortunate insect was immediately cocooned by hair.
‘For later,’ he explained. ‘Unless you want it?’
Butler smiled, but it was an effort. ‘Thanks. I already ate.’
‘Oh, really? Well, whatever you ate, hold on to it, because we are in a hurry, so I may have to break a few speed limits.’
The dwarf cracked every joint in his fingers and toes, then sent the craft into a steep, spiralling dive. Butler slid to the rear of the craft and had to hook three seat belts together to prevent further jostling.
‘Is this really necessary?’ he grunted through rippling cheeks.
‘Look behind you,’ replied Mulch.
Butler struggled to his knees, directing his gaze through the rear window. They were being pursued by a trio of what looked like fireflies, but which were actually smaller shuttles. The craft matched their every spiral and jink exactly. One fired a small, sparking torpedo, which sent a shock wave through the hull. Butler felt the pores in his shaven head tingle.
‘LEP uni-pods,’ explained Mulch. ‘They just took out our communications mast, in case we have accomplices in the chutes somewhere. Those pods have got a lock on our navigation system. Their own computers will follow us forever, unless.’
